Why You Should Never Travel With Foreigners
by LittleBlueNayru
Summary: Twilight Princess, "Midna Says Weird Things" style: "Oy, pooping dude fair!" she exclaims. "Poop, I eat you. And cheap bears." Can Link make it through his entire quest, or will he fall to Impy's stupidity?
1. Why Oh Why Do The Goddesses Mock Me So?

Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ

Well, I haven't seen many stories about how weird Midna's voice is, but they are usually only one chapter long. If you've done this already, I didn't know, so my freaking bad. This is going to cover the entire journey (or at least when I can find "Midna Says Weird Things" on Youtube.)

Chapter One's Midna dialogue was found on Youtube, posted by Ninkodie, so I didn't do it. I'm not taking credit for it. Watch it if you want, it's funny.

* * *

Why Oh Why Do the Goddesses Mock Me So??

I'm stuck. In a dungeon. Chained to the floor. As a STUPID, STINKING, GODDESSES-DAMNED WOLF!!!

And just when I think I can't stoop any lower than trying to eat metal. This _thing _appears on the other side of the gate. I thought it had ugly horns until I realized it was this bigass helmet, and it was completely naked. Not that it mattered much; the thing didn't resemble a human at all. Its skin was green and black, for crying out loud, and its eyes... they were a really freaky mix of yellow and maroon.

This imp suddenly gives me a really creepy grin, before jumping up into the air and somehow appearing on my side of the gate. It leaned forward, grinning toothily, and asked, "Inka?"

I stopped snarling at it and blinked. No, I haven't seen your friend Inka, Imp-thing. But if Inka happens to be this big ugly black monster, then try the Faron Woods.

Imp-girl shakes her head at me and says, "Chicken Shit."

Okay, what??

I immediately lower my head and start growling. You want chicken shit, check out a mirror. I'll rip your throat out if you call me chicken shit again.

Imp-girl pays me no mind, she simply waves a hand that she folded across her chest and says, "Your good boy too if you pay. Bad wipple!"

I did not like the direction her nonsense was taking. What the hell would I be "paying" for, and what the fuck was a "wipple"?! I keep growling, and she giggles, satisfied for some reason. "You see my triscuits?" she asks, mockingly.

Again, I stop growling. Triscuits? I mean, I'd love some, but she doesn't have _anything_. But a helmet. Nothing else, not even other clothes to speak of. I came to the conclusion that she was retarded.

She gives me another creepy smile, and then taunts me. "So him? You eat him!"

I blink. Who did I eat?

Then, like the retard she is, she jumps in front of me, singing, "Crispy Treats, yeah?" and smacks my jaw upward. I bite, barely missing as she jumps back with a laugh. Retard indeed. I could eat _her_, but then that would imply that she was too stupid to know the gender difference between him and her, or even what she...it...whatever...was.

Imp-girl laughs eerily as she backs up, and sticks her face out with that smile that

I would love to rake my claws into. She says, "If you can break it!" Though I have no idea what she's talking about, I know I would love to break her face. but then, she closes her eyes and concentrates, forming a red energy ball in her hands. When it reaches full size, she flings it at me, and the metal chain snaps.

That scared me shitless for a second, and I tentatively sniff my paw.

Then, I have another heart attack. Impy comes out of nowhere into my face, laughing with that annoying, stupid, annoying smile-glare-thing on her face. She abruptly jumps away, and I thank her for leaving my personal bubble. Bubbles start forming around her as she backs towards the gate, and my momentary confusion is pierced by her next words.

"You're both GAY!!"

My eyes widen in a rage. WHO SAID WHAT, YOU STUPID BITCH, WHO SAID I WAS GAY AND WITH WHO OH YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE ARE GOING TO DIE!!! I was about to leap towards her and rip out that annoyingly annoying throat of hers, but in a whirl of bubbles, she's through the bars. She smirks at me from the other side. "Do you chew crickets? See, there!"

I blink. I have no idea what crickets have to do with being gay, and there are no crickets to chew down here. And if there was, I wouldn't chew them anyway. She motions for me to come over, and yawns, implying her doubt that I will.

Impy is really starting to piss me off.

Without hesitating, I run up to the crate in the corner and blast in apart. I then dig under the bars. I'm shaking off dirt and making plans to kill the imp, but her weird laugh makes me aware of the fact that she is gone.

Confused, I look around, but her whereabouts are shortly confirmed when she lands ungracefully--and heavily--on my back, saying, "You have come to a black line."

NOBODY RIDES ON MY BACK, IMPY!! I AM NOT A MULE!! However, proving so is very hard, as I dance around in an effort to throw her off. It doesn't work, and she starts patting my fur to calm me down.

Embarassingly, it works. Mmm... that feels good.... NO LINK WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!!!

Impy flops forward on me, and says, "I like your big head!"

...Thank you??

Then, she rudely grabs my ear and pulls my head towards hers, ordering, "Now, copy what I SAY!"

Impy, If I was able to speak I would have said a whole lot.

However, Impy can't ear my thoughts, and she suddenly lets go of my ear. I lower my head to prevent further abuses to my ear, glaring as she says, "I see that brett hm hm."

I don't know what a brett is, but if it's one of those clip-things girls wear in their hair, she really _is_ dead. Or is she talking about my earrings? Yeah, I love them too, Impy. Aren't they awesome?

All of a sudden, Impy kicks at my sides as if I'm a horse, saying, "What are we waiting for?"

My bark goes ignored.

* * *

Okay, so is it decently funny enough to try and continue the adventure? Or should this pathetic excuse of humor be removed?

Yes, I know girls wear barettes and not bretts. but it said bretts, and it's funnier anyway with Link not knowing.

And yeah, there are different dialogues for cutscenes, so if you've seen another and it had different text, it's because Midna did in fact say something different. I will be using several different versions to get a complete adventure-dialogue, so bear with me.


	2. Do You Have Aspirin?

Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda.

Finally back to this. This is kinda last-priority, so sorry if this isn't too funny. I need to find more "Midna says weird things" videos. It would help if someone could name a few, or at least who they're by.

Dialogue for chapter two was found on Youtube, posted by Ninkodie, so again, I DID NOT DO IT IT'S NOT MINE I'M NOT TAKING CREDIT FOR IT. Watch it if you want.

* * *

It Can Only Get Worse From Here On Out

Imagine that you have been living an innocent life for seventeen years, when all of a sudden the only land you have ever known is transformed into a nightmare, you are turned into a wolf, and your new form transfigured into a slave, by a weird otherworldly imp who can't speak Hylian right in the crucial situations, but is fluent enough to mock you as you traverse through a sewer system infested with dark rodents and flames which were apparently the spirits of frightened soldiers.

That is what is happening in the life of yours truly.

Impy decided to spout bullshit when I was chained to the ground in a dungeon. Thankfully, she became comprehendable once in the sewers, because without her help I might have just wasted away slowly. And let me tell you, the Hyrulean sewer system _really_ needs to be simplified. why does pulling a chain at one end of an absolute _labyrinth_ control water flow at the _other_ end? Only the Goddesses know...

It took us an age to get outside, onto steep, slippery, rain-coated roofs, where huge, ugly dark birds tried to attack us the moment we were outside. We finally got inside after a whole lot of nagging on Impy's part, and gave me no explanations, preferring to use my poor abused ears as reigns unnecessarily as I went up a set of staircase in the only possible direction there was to go.

A single door greeted us at the top, slightly ajar. I pushed it open with my snout and walked inside.

A lone figure stood at a window, completely cloaked. Out of instinct, I began growling. However, the person turned, with a very feminine gasp. This made me stop, sit up straight, and perk up my ears, before slowly walking forward, ignoring the amused sigh of Impy.

"Midna?!" the woman whispered, shocked.

Midna? Weird name. I actually prefer Impy. It suits her better.

I felt Midna-Impy giggling on my back, and turned around. She opened her mouth to speak, so with hope, I waited for her to talk, hopefully giving me some explanations.

"He born pup," Midna said happily.

I immediately face-faulted.

Was it not the most obvious thing in the world that I was a dog?! And why, Midna, why, did you have to revert to nonsensical, eight-year-old language?! now I'll _never_ escape this insanity!!

In mourning, I howled, turning hopeless eyes up to the mystery woman.

She seemed to be expecting it, because she sighed. "Midna goes back and forth between talking sense and nonsense. Hylian is not her native language, you see, and I am beginning to suspect that she has a split personality." Then she turned to Midna. "You were searching for him?"

Midna nodded her head, lost in fake thought. When she finally gave the woman a mischievous grin, it was only to say, "You forgot to wear your bib!"

I blinked, worried about Impy. She had no hope.

The woman sighed again before crouching to my level. Then she noticed the chain on my foot. "They jailed you? I am sorry..."

Midna leaned over my side and patted my flank. "Ok! He came out with poopy!" she announced. "He put down there his darn bone." Then she giggled a moronic giggle.

Well, I didn't during our entire trip so far, but still Midna, thank you for telling the world. And as for the second part of her nonsense, I didn't want to even try to make sense of all that, there were just too many ways to interpret it. But now I want a bone... Midna, you're so mean!

Zelda sighed yet again, and looked at me. "Listen, this was once the land of Hyrule, where the power of the gods was said to sleep. But now it has been transformed into a world of shadows by the king who rules the twilight. He attacked the castle, and threatened the entire kingdom with "life or death." I refused to sacrifice my people, and surrendered. Twilight covered Hyrule like a shroud, and, without light, the people turned into spirits. In the twilight, they live on, in ignorance of what is happening. They live in fear."

Throughout the story, the woman had stood up again and was now staring out the window, clearly mourning what she could see. In a small whisper, she said, "The kingdom succumbed to twilight, but I remain its princess."

I stood up straighter as she revealed ornately gloved hands, reached for the edge of her hood, and pulled it away. There, in front of me, stood Princess Zelda. Louder, she said just as regretfully, "I am Zelda."

"Eh! Not now!" Midna suddenly said. "Do you have any aspirin?"

Right there, I could have killed Impy. How rude could a person...thing... get?!

Zelda ignored her attitude. "Midna, this is no time for levity. The shadow beasts are searching all over for you. Why?"

Impy had jumped off my back and was floating in the air, facing away from everyone. Her only giggled explanation was, "That's all he did!"

Impy, I didn't do nothing.

Zelda, if you can believe it, rolled her eyes, for all her dignity. I assumed that she had had to put up with Impy more than me. She turned to me, a sad expression on her face. "Time has grown short. The guard will be coming soon to make his rounds." With that, Midna landed forcefully on my back, and I turned my head to snap at her. However, Zelda was right, we had to go.

I was running down the staircase as fast as I could when My ears were pulled back. Resisting the urge to howl, I froze.

"The guard's coming! Out the window!" Midna hissed.

I growled in frustration as I climbed onto the sill. Impy, I hate you oh so much right now.

* * *

Couldn't think of anything else...

See ya whenever. If you want better humor, I can guarantee my Random Humorous Oneshots are better than this.

I'll try harder next time! --Blue.


	3. Out of Stupidity and Into Insanity

Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ

I apologize in advance if this one isn't as funny as the others. There were basically no videos out there that covered this section of the game, and I had to listen really hard to think of things. But, the second part, which is most but not all of the talking at Ordon Spring, was found on Youtube. The video is called, "Midna says very strange things O_O #3" by XWindsage.

* * *

Alright, I'm stuck as a wolf with an imp attached to my back in a twilighty netherworld covering my home which is infesting in with monsters and I have no idea what the hell I'm supposed to do about _anything. _

I stand on the windowsill looking out at the strange sky and the rain, and Midna-Impy launches herself across the roof, hopping and flipping until she comes to a stop in the air at the other end. Hopefully, she's coherent now.

She turns to me and asks in a taunting tone, "You want deli?"

I didn't know whether to cry, sigh, or kill her. Or me. she's back to nonsense, and she's taunting me with food she doesn't have _again!_

"My one good pear peed."

Not sure how to react to that, I blink and let her continue, hoping this will be over soon.

"Is that healthy?"

Peeing pears.... nope. Get on with it, Impy.

"Want a blue paint?"

Blue paint? How about a transformation back into a human? But Impy ignores me, giving me a very evil grin, before spinning around and doing a very bad impersonation of a screaming Colin and Ilia. And while it sucked, it made me remember what had happened, and I got worried. Damn... turing into a wolf makes you forget about _everything..._

Impy grins, thinking she's scared me shitless with her oh-so-awesome acting skills. She fluffs her fake Ilia-hair and says, "You may sing the die."

She obviously doesn't gamble. Not that I do... But still, you _roll_ a die, idiot. But if I'm guessing right and she was asking me if I wanted to save them, then yes, I do. Ilia owes me fifty Rupees.

"Die," Impy says.

You die.

"Your puppy breath, you need tie."

Oh goddesses, now she thinks saving my friends and restoring Hyrule is a tie occasion. A blue-tie occasion, if that's what the paint is about.

Now out of a very bad form of Ilia, she leans towards me and says, "Michael Jackson wants you."

My jaw drops in shock, horror, and confusion, but mostly horror, but before I can wet myself, I can feel myself flying away in Twilightyness.

* * *

When I'm myself again, I can see that I'm in Ordon Spring and it's the middle of the day.

That's when I hear it. Impy's voice. "We with you, me into the hole."

I turn around and see that she isn't on my back, and walk around in confusion as her voice continues to spout nonsense from nowhere: "Kay, you keep looking ay you for me right. Me. Yup!"

Well, she's making some sense. She is here, but she's not here at the same time. And I was looking for her, but I gave up. Confused, I turn to walk out of the Spring, but when I reach the gate, she annoys me again. "Choke dog!"

Her yell makes me jump, and for a second I think she's finally lost her entire mind and decided to strangle me. She does jump up in front of me, but she's a big floating shadow now instead of Impy. "Just Mew," she says reassuringly.

Alright, we've got a Midna, and Impy, and a Mew. And her cousin Inka. Wonderful. Either that or she meant to say "just me".

She's trying to explain something to me, but it's not really working: "Deal kid with you gay nay what may wick."

Impy, I think it's time I established my sexual preference once and for all. I. AM. NOT. GAY!!!

Impy, however, doesn't notice, but keeps on rambling about making deals with gay kids and other crap. "Eee. up to you wamping ryon dude player and you eat foot what we with you may which away one game, oh zak. Here we go dude," she says cheerfully.

Aparently I am to _wamp_, whatever that is, a dude player named ryan... or ryon... and eat a foot. Can it be yours, Impy? You piss me off. And don't ever call me dude again, or Impy Feet will be looking real delicious.

"Ay pay pake fair," she continues, and now I think she's just doing this to annoy me, "yup yup you ass."

HOLY SHIT SHE CAN USE TELEPATHY!!! …..HEY, DID SHE CALL ME AN ASS?! IMPY!!!!

"Just get the sword and shield!" she grumbles, before diving back into my shadow, and I begin barking up a storm. I think she does this retarded rambling on purpose, all the time. It's nighttime by the time I've calmed down, and I decide that it's best to take the sword and shield now, when less people are likely to see.

And Impy, when I get my human hands on them, you _better_ watch out...

* * *

Oh man... This was a chore... and thinking about all those dungeons... T_T Yeah, if any of you have any recommendations on where to find "Midna says weird things" material, I would be VERY grateful...

I did not come up with the Micheal Jackson line, and I included it in there on purpose. _Many thanks to **lupine beauty** for telling me about that line!! I think it's the best in the entire chapter! _

See ya next chapter! --Blue.


	4. This Is Not Fried Chicken!

Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Zelda.

I had a lot of fun making this chapter! For Midna's speech, I used XWindsage's "Midna Says Weird Things O_O #3", chunglo's "Zelda Twilight Princess" walkthroughs, numbers 08 and 09 (I made up the speech), and Ourwreckage's "Midna Says: This is Not Friend Chicken!"

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a Happy New Year to you all!

* * *

This Is Not Fried Chicken!

Impy was finished being annoying for now, so I walked in the direction of my house.

And monsters were there!

Since they had no right to be there, I kicked them out. Which means I kicked their asses. Which means I ripped the stupid idiots apart, and they died a very dramatic death, complete with an explosion.

Even now, I know I'll never understand that. Shrugging it off, I go to the village entrance to get myself a sword and a shield. I hate how Impy can make sense when she really wants to, but never any other time.

"Wait!"

I turn abruptly, clinging to the hope that maybe Impy will have something smart to say for once. But it isn't even her.

...It's a _squirrel_.

SQUIRREL! MUST GET SQUIRREL!!! Nooo it's up at the entrance to my tree house I can't reach it CURSE YOU FOREVER SQUIRRELS!!! ….NO LINK STOP THINKING LIKE A DOG!!!

"Thank you for taking care of those bad guys!" the weird squirrel says sweetly, oblivious to my inner struggle between my _need _to bark at the squirrel and my _need _to keep my Hylianity... and my dignity.... "They made both the village and the forest a mess..." the squirrel continues sadly.

I know. One took a shit at the base of my ladder. That's why I killed it!

Again oblivious, the squirrel says, "They kidnapped the village children..."

..._No shit!!_

"But I know... you're not one of them...."

Creepy little stalker squirrel.

"I can tell because you smell like trees of Ordon..."

Oh. Oops. My bad, Squirrel.

"If you run into any trouble, try talking to the animals. We animals understand each other, so you'll be all right!"

Huh, you'd think they would kill each other less then...

The squirrel runs off.

...GET BACK HERE!!! MUST GET SQUIRREL!!!

...NOOO LINK SNAP OUT OF IT!!! GET YOUR STINKING SWORD AND SHIELD AND GO!!

Afraid I will lose more of my sanity if I stay to chase the squirrel, I run into the village. The first thing I notice is that there is a very grim air about the place, and Hanch is standing on some of the raised ground by the pumpkin patch near the river.

"Oh... How did it come to this?" he asks the sky. "The children... please say nothing's happened... Please forgive your good-for-nothing father..."

As much as I feel sorry for him, I can't help but think he is a leeeetle weird for talking to the sky.

Oh well. I run past him, unnoticed even with my annoying chain around my paw, and I hear Mayor Bo talking outside Jaggle and Pergie's house.

"Oh! About the shield..."

"Shh! Not so loud!"

I crawl closer and hear them whisper.

"I checked, as we discussed... the shield is still in your house, right?" Bo asks Jaggle.

Jaggle nods. "It should be in our storage loft."

"Good! Get it quickly! Rusl got wounded searching for the kids. I'm taking over for him."

"But Mayor, Rusl had a sword, and he _still_ got hurt!"

"We still have the sword we were going to present to the Royal Family I'll be fine."

No, you won't. I stand up, and they scatter.

And Impy begins being stupid again. She jumps out of my shadow and looks as pointedly as a shadow can at Jaggle's tallest window. "She went wrong," she says in a smug, condescending, tone.

… Yeah, I've always thought Jaggle looked a little girly, too.

"What if want you?" she asks. I roll my eyes. I don't care who the flip wants me for anything. I want to get that shield, and I want to get up to that window. At least Impy and I are thinking on the same page, even if she can't express it correctly.

"You..." Her gaze darts for a place to get up, straying from the torch to Hanch to... the waterwheel. Brilliant.

"You are bread," she concludes in a matter-of-fact tone.

….

Same page, wrong book.

Why is she tormenting me with imaginary food again, for about the hundredth time?! And she hasn't even come up with an idea to use the waterwheel to get up to the window. After an ill-fated attempt to get up by riding the wheel, I end up in the pond, wet and angry. I climb out of the creek and onto shore to find another way around.

"Mon... MONSTER!!"

Oh, _great._

"You've returned for more, haven't you?!" Hanch shouts hysterically. "My... my daughter! Return her! And TAKE THIS!!"

Alright, Hanch. One, I am not a monster. Two, if I was, I probably wouldn't return Beth. And three, if I was a monster and you told me to return your daughter and then immediately attacked me, I would not be happy. You're dumber than I thought.

He blows on a hawk reed.

_Oh shit oh shit oh shit. _Scratch that last statement.

I try running, attacking, barking, running, more barking, and howling, but the hawk hits me.

I limp back into the shadows, where a cat greets me.

"Did that mean hawk get you? Here, climb up to the roof and scare him!" the cat says, indicating a rock. I grin an evil grin.

I climb up on the rock and Impy jumps out of my shadow. I assume she's going to tell me something I already know, but Impy is full of surprises.

"He with it, gomping Daioh."

...Yup, that's Impy for you. I don't want to try to figure that one out, either.

"Pay, bread, oh do you want puke?"

No. And I don't want my name changed to Bread either. Stop talking about bread! I'm hungry...

Impy flies up to the roof, giggling, offering to pull me up. I jump after her, and she catches me. I jump to where Hanch is, and then I roll all over the place laughing when he jumps into the river yelling his stupid head off stupidly.

I like the word stupid. Especially when using it to describe other people.

Impy helps me make the huge jump to the waterwheel and up to the window. After poking around in Jaggle's house, I finally see the shield in the upper part of the house. I wait for Impy to notice so she can help me up.

But when she jumps up, she gives me a revolted look.

"Who... just peed?"

I bark in her face loudly. OF ALL TIMES, YOU PICK NOW!

She giggles and floats away maddeningly, but I jump up and she catches me. I ran my head into the wall, and the shield falls on my head, which serves to further anger and humiliate me and make Impy happier and more annoying. And then, very helpfully, she remarks, "Cht. Zee. He went bread, he gun oh." Then he dives back into my shadow before I can bite her for mentioning bread again. Stupid Impy.

Whatever. I jump out the window, which makes Rusl and Uli nervous. I swim up the river to their house and walk around the side, trying to use my wolf senses to find anything useful. Finally, I notice a hole leading into their house.

It's quiet inside, and the sword is sitting on the sofa. I pick it up, and Impy jumps up to comment as usual.

"Duke hub ryon. Do you beanie? Pake oi won puke ron ape. Grand porri keep pros whee."

Okay, what??

"Go to the Faron Woods! she says. And dives back into my shadow laughing madly before I can kill her. Again. She _has _to be doing this on purpose.

Oh well. I dig out of Rusl's house and run out of the Village, and past my house and the spring.

"Wait..." a ghostly voice says. "Come...to my spring..."

I walk in uncertainly, and the voice begins talking again. "You have...been transformed...by the power...of shadow..."

Good to know.

"Come...to me..."

Well, if I'm going to get answers, then sure.

Black poles fall from the sky and surround me. "Beware.. A shadow beast...it approaches..." the voice whispers.

And then a weird monster falls out of the sky. Stupid conning voice! I take my time killing it, venting off my anger at stupid Impy and stupid villagers and stupid voices and stupid monsters all in one. It makes a weird blue portal in the sky. And then the stupid voice decides to talk again.

Stupid voice.

I walk forward, and light fills the spring. Strange designs light up in the woods, and something splashes in the middle of the lake, before a ball of light flies up. A goat slowly appears, giving an otherworldly bay as its figure forms from light.

"O brave youth.." the goat says with a vaguely feminine voice, "I am one of four light spirits that protect Hyrule at the behest of the gods. I am Ordona."

Nice to meet you. I'm Link, the seriously angry wolf-Hylian.

Ordona, of course, does not read minds. "The black beast you slayed was a shadow being. It had come to seize the power of light I wield. My brethren in Hyrule have already had their light stolen by these fell entire kingdom has been reduced to a netherworld ruled by the cursed powers of blight will not stop with Hyrule. Before long the entire world of light will fall into the hands of the king who rules the twilight. To save this land from the king of twilight, the lost light must be recovered. The three light spirits must be revived. There is but one who can revive them and redeem this land. You."

You are one long-winded goat. I got that already, thanks. Anything else, or can I get going?

"You still have not discovered you true power," Ordona continues, much to my irritation. "Those transformed by twilight usually cannot recover their original forms..."

..._What?!_

"Unless... if you were to return to Faron Woods where you were transformed...If you were to revive the light spirit...There, by the power of the light spirit, you may find the means to your other form of being..."

Well, if that isn't blackmail, I don't know what is. Good thing I was going anyway. Now can I go, Goat?

Finally! She dissolves into light. And before she's done dissolving, I'm at the Twilight Curtain, ready to go in.

And then Impy decides to be annoying again.

"Puu... you ray," she says, "Ank itchy oh and ooh you. Are you listening? Hum pup want up them?

I take it she means do I want to go back in there. I nod.

Impy turns away from me and floats through the wall, leaving ugly, ripples and then...

HOLY SHIT!! THAT'S HER HAND!! IT'S HUGE!!! AND IT'S COMING FOR ME OH GODDESSES NOOOO!!!

When I stop being crazy I notice she's pulled me into the twilight. And that she's on my back. I look up and notice she has the shield on her face and the sword in her hand. "Eat Krispy Kreme" she says, taunting me with imaginary food again.

Stupid Impy. I laugh.

Then she swings the sword all over like crazy, saying, "Owl teach you use harp."

HOLY SHIT! I dodge, barely avoiding a beheading. I growl at her. We don't want to kill Link, now. And we don't have time for harp lessons taught by annoying owls that won't shut up.

Suddenly, she throws the sword to the ground and the shield on my head again. "This is not fried chicken!" she shouts.

I take a moment to calm my nerves.

Before I JUMP ALL OVER THE PLACE THRASHING AROUND TO THROW HER OFF MY BACK SO I CAN KILL HER FOR THINKING I'M SOME SORT OF DELIVERY BOY?! WHAT DID YOU THINK WE WERE GETTING, YOU STUPID IMP?!

And so I run off into the Twilight, furious as can be, with an annoying giggling Impy on my back.

* * *

I ended it randomly :P

I referenced Kaepora Gaebora from OoT at the Owl line, but then again, Eldin is an annoying owl that never shuts up, too...

Review if you love me! 'Cause I love you!

Again, happy holidays, and now I'm gonna go play Twilight Princess CAUSE I GOT MY OWN COPY FOR CHRISTMAS FINALLY WHOO!!!


	5. Atchoo Cartoon Adventures

Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ

Yes!! After over a month of holidays, snow days, skiing, finals, annoying classes, and various other stuff that will NOT get me out of trouble for not updating in a long time, I have updated!! Now, I had fun on this one, but there was NO "Midna says weird stuff" already out there, so I had to make it up, using Chunglo's "Zelda Twilight Princess 9/10". Have fun!

Oh, not only does Midna now have a novel kind of "weird speech" for this chapter, I played on my inability to come up with names. Remember Inka, from chapter 1? :D And if you've read the Fishing Failure Chronicles, guess which soundless star makes a cameo?!

Translations are at the end of the chapter. Use the numbers in parentheses after her speech for what she said in each paragraph. Although, if you're a die-hard TP fan like myself, you'll probably know most of what she says from what's going on.

* * *

Atchoo Cartoon Adventures

**Location: "Zit-Poo" Woods (guess who christens it later in the chapter)**

I run about twenty feet before Impy pulls on my ear and yells, "I wasn't done talking!" This miracle alone makes me dig my paws into the ground, attempting to stop. However, due to my speed, Impy was thrown off my back, and I might have accidentally started a little tiny forest fire because of the friction of braking on the ground. Then, I realized that Impy had flown face first into a hill, and that made me laugh. Until Impy turned around with a very evil look on her face and flew over pulling on my ears and kicking my sides, screaming, "Stupid toad! Stupid toad!" Any other time, her lack of a comeback would have been funny. But right now, my thoughts were immersed in exactly how painful it is to have someone tugging on your ears.

But anyway, I stopped, which was what Impy had wanted after all, right?

She sighed. "Alright... a porn is a promise...I trust way help. But I need atchoo cartoon some things. I'll tell you the kick tools later, okay? But enough of that. Do you hear that noise? It's the pip across the itch. What armpit?" she asked wickedly, before doing a stupid giggle, flipping over onto her back, and humming some weird song. Then she resumes giving orders. "Get going to poop in armpit you. Why whap!" (1)

Okay, now, of all the things I've experienced so far, _that _has got to be the weirdest. Impy made some sense. Not a lot of sense, and granted with enough nonsense so that her sense didn't make sense at all, but she made sense. I looked at her, confused.

Her grin is as creepy as usual. Her unfocused, dilated yellow-and-maroon eyes, drifting between objects randomly, still puts me off. She sways on my back, just like before.

She probably has a concussion from hitting the hill. It actually makes me pity Impy for a moment.

Ah, well. That's what she gets for pulling on my ears. Hoping she'll hold on, I continue walking down the path.

Ten feet later, ugly black poles fall from the ugly black sky and an ugly portal opens and drops three ugly monsters for me to fight. I hate these woods.

"Toot! Pway," Midna sighs. "It can be. Go do when you need me dude. Gross pet whomp you do. Toot!" (2) she calls, before flying off and leaving all alone to fight uglies.

She can talk sense, she talks nonsense, she has a concussion, and she can fly. Life is not fair. And it's entirely the fault of these three ugly creatures. So I kill them.

At least, I try to pretend it's all their fault so I won't kill Impy.

A freakish scream makes me freeze.

...At least, I _thought _I killed them, but the last one tried to wake the dead and succeeded.

… HOLY. FREAKING. SHIT. I'm dealing with necromancers!!!

So, with all my dignity, I yelp, whimper, whine, and sorta-kinda panic, running over to Impy. Midnaaaaaaa...... your ugly friends Inka, Poosky, and Bloobop are zombieesss.....

Impy sighs. "What's wrong? Why are you taking so long to beat them? If you leave the last one alive, it's just going to use that shriek to bring the others back. Let me help you out, okay? Hold down B, and I'll expand an energy field, so enclose all the enemies within in and release B!"

….Even when she's making perfect sense she doesn't make sense. Hold down B and do _what now??_

Midna sighs again with more impatience. "Enclose all the enemies within the field," she says shortly.

… Well, she could have just _said so_...

With Impy's help, Inka, Poosky, and Bloobop turn into black uglies, and the ugly red portal turns into a ugly blue portal. I assume that means it's good. But I don't care, so I keep running through the woods, hoping that since Impy is slowly becoming coherent, I will be able to understand her from now on.

The Faron Spring is really ugly, And there's a cloud of light floating in it. Curious, I run up to it, despite my intuition telling me I am about to be bored to death.

"...Please...be careful..." a weak voice whispers. "These woods....have changed...."

Really? I hadn't noticed.

"...The dark clouds of dusk cover this land...this drape of shadows is called....twilight..."

In all my sixteen years of experiencing sunsets, I have _never_ heard of it. Ever. Not once.

"...In this twilight...those who live in the light...become as mere spirits...It is a place... where the dark ones and evil creatures dwell..."

I _knew _there was something funny about Inka and company. Call it a hunch.

"...I...am...a spirit...of light..."

Finally, something I didn't know.

"...Blue-eyed beast..."

...Finally, something I did.

"...Look...for my light...Retrieve the light stolen by the dark beasts...and keep it... in this Vessel..."

Out of nowhere, something that looks like a branch of glass grapes appears above my head.

_**You got the Vessel of Light! It's crucial to collecting Tears of Light. If you fill it with Tears of Light, you will be able to cut through the twilight and return light to this place. To see these evils that hold the Tears of Light, use your X senses.**_

Midna tenses and hisses, looking for the imaginary soundless voice.

… Tears of Light? Evils? _X senses??_ Good Goddesses, even the imaginary soundless voices have lost it.

Suddenly, my map flies up in my face, with the Faron Woods speckled with sixteen glowing dots.

"In the shadows of twilight...the dark insects are as...invisible...as normal beings are here..." the light spirit explains.

Geez, these light spirits take forever to say _anything!!_

"Let...me...use...the...last...of...my...power....to...reveal...the...locations...of...the...dark..insects.....that...consumed...the...light..."

...He did that on purpose! Can he read freaking minds?!

"Find...the...insects...of...darkness......"

OK, OK, I GET IT.

"The dark insects...They are the form taken by evil...once it has latched onto...our scattered light..."

...Yup, he can read minds.

But he said all that wanted to say, and I take the opportunity to escap---I mean, begin my quest.

* * *

Three bugs later, I find myself at Mr. Lantern-Dude's house. After an embarrassing half-hour trying to figure out a way to get inside, Midna directs my attention to the open window.

...Ah.

"Zit. Poo!" she says, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. (3)

Forgive me my ignorance, Impy. Seeing as she has descended back into the pitiable realm of idiocy, I choose to jump into the house without barking in her face.

After I jump to the ground, I notice a spirit. It's Mr. Lantern-Dude, freaking out about bugs. It takes me a second, but I find them. And kill them. Which freaks the Dude out more. So I decide to have a little fun and knock over a jar, but Impy pulls on my ears before I can really savor Dude going berserk. With a sigh, I come back the way I came, to continue this annoying bug hunt.

* * *

A very unenjoyable walk through the woods and three bugs later, I am at the deepest portion of Faron Woods. And ugly purple gas has covered the clearing, and I can't walk through.

Oh well, guess we'll just have to go home and never associate with weird split-personality, crazy-talking imps ever again...

Impy points to a dead branch over the fog. "Wrong, yep." (4).

...Darn it.

So now I'm busy hopping through trees, killing bugs, trying not to fall into the purple gas and die, chilling with an imp who can't speak an intelligible sentence to save her life. We finally make it to the other side of the pit, after four or so bugs more and an unnecessary reminder from Impy that my world is depending on "armpit pop". If I hadn't said it before, I'll say it now: Impy needs to stop coming up with nicknames for me. It's almost as annoying as her mentioning food every other sentence. (5)

And immediately after I get out of that hellhole into North Faron Woods, ugly black poles fall from the ugly black sky and trap me three more annoying black uglies. Must be Inka's cousins Rotklshk, Barpinshting, and Wirpledingdong. Anyway, after I eradicate the ugly on the ground, another ugly blue portal forms in the sky. Again, I don't care, so I keep running, and come up to what looks like a giant tree. The last two bugs are terrorizing a spirit that looks like a monkey...

… MUST ATTACK MONKEY!!!

….NO, LINK, GET A GRIP ALREADY!!!

So before I can think about monkeys or squirrels or cats, I kill the bugs and grab the Tears of Light. The last ones...

"Someone...saved me?"

...MONKEY.

I run hopelessly around the pole she standing on, barking as she obliviously mutters to herself. "Boy, lucky for me... ever since the boss went funny in the head, there've been scary monsters everywhere...Those village kids got led through the woods for some reason...The whole forest is weird now... What's happened?"

I have a feeling I should have paid attention, but I'm almost on top of that stupid pole so I can get the monkey and I'm concentrating and I'm almost there and-

"Get the Tears!"

Midna pulls my ears and yells into them.

I yelp, growl, bark, and shake my head, but I can't reach the monkey and I hate stupid Impy and stupid ugly Inka and stupid ugly friends and cousins of Inka and stupid light spirits and their stupid Tears of Light, so I pick them up so I can turn back into a human like Ordona promised and go inside the big scary temple and deal with the monsters so I can go home.

What...? The world's becoming white with the light... NO! I'M GOING BACK TO THE SPRING IT'S GOING TO TAKE FOREVER TO GET BACK HERE WHY LIGHT SPIRITS WHYYYYYY?!

* * *

_**The Vessel of Light is full of tears, and light has returned to this area!**_

The Vessel of Light flies up, curls, and disappears into the spring, and all at once it is midday again.

And I couldn't be angrier. Stupid light spirit, dragging me back here!

Midna jumps up as a shadow and flies over to the spring, reclining in midair. "Aw... twilight was so great here!" she whines "What's so great about a world of light, anyway?".

Scratch that. I could be angrier. Because now I am.

I think she senses that, because she starts giggling maddeningly. "See you later!" she calls, disappearing into nothing.

Almost as soon as she's gone, the pool starts glowing like it did with Ordona, and slowly the spirit rises.

And with a really weird wail, it reveals itself to be a... monkey.

It curls its very disproportionately long tail around in a ball and turns to stare at me with a solemn face, completely ruined by the fact that he is a giant floating monkey made of light.

"Shut up," it says, "My name is Faron."

Oh, right. We're talking to Mr. Telepathy here.

"ANYWAY..." Faron says, "I am one of the spirits of light who dwell in Hyrule. By the order of the gods, I protect this forest."

Judging by how horrible this place is, I'd say Faron got a pretty bad job.

"SHUT. UP." Faron says, gritting its shining light-teeth. He sighs, and spits out, "O...brave... youth...In the land covered in twilight, where people roam as spirits, you were transformed into a blue-eyed beast."

I already know that...

"Would you listen?! That was a sign..._don't interrupt me_...It was a sign that the powers of the chosen one rest within you...and that they are awakening..."

Looks like I have a bad job, too.

Faron sighs. "You're hopeless. Why are you tormenting me with such thoughts? As I am Farore's spirit of light, you should listen to me especially. But between you and me... misery loves company."

At least said misery can speak intelligently.

Faron snickers in a very un-lightspirity-like way, before continuing. "But anyway, look at your awakened form..."

I look.

… WHAT THE HELL AM I WEARING. SOME SORT OF DRESS?!

"It's a tunic!" Faron sighs as I continue to stare at the weird clothes and gloves and wonder why the Goddesses played dress-up with me while I was a wolf. "The green tunic that is your garb once belonged to the ancient hero chosen by the goddesses..."

Not only is it girly, it was worn by a dead guy. My life ROCKS!

Faron sighs again. "Farore is thrifty. But the hero's power is yours...His is the true power that slept within you. Your name is Link. You are the hero chosen by the gods.

Oh. My. Goddesses!

"Brave Link...a dark power resides in the temple deep within these woods. It is a forbidden power. Long, long ago, I and the other spirits of light locked it away."

Figures it's what Impy wants. Figures it's where I just was. Now I have to go back there.

"Stop complaining, you should listen," Faron says, annoyed once again. "Because of its nature, it is a power that should never be touched by any who dwell in the light. But this world weeps beneath a mantle of shadows, and so there is no choice...You must match the power of the king of shadows. If you would seek this forbidden power, then proceed to the temple in the forest depths."

And, just like Ordona, Faron chooses to dissolve at the weirdest of times. And, just like Ordona, both take way too long to say anything.

"I heard that."

I know you did, Faron. I know you did.

Then Impy decides to make an appearance. "So that's why doe ear you turned into a beast! You're the chosen one! Maybe you'd bay rather porri be an ignorant spirit like everyone else yum picking for all eternity! Gun, gun, so what do you want to do? Go to that poo temple? Convenient. I was going to head there myself... Hey, you want to kiss your friends, right?" (6)

Uh, NO. I wonder if Impy is acting or really hovering between sanity and stupidity. But of course, she doesn't read minds like Faron.

"I heard that."

I _know._

"Baby they waiting pooping inside that temple bad! Too, good luck, Mr. Important Hero Set Zop! See you later!"

Before I can figure out half of what she was trying to say, she's back in my shadow, leaving me to face another annoying trip in the woods of, as Impy put it, Zit-Poo.

* * *

**Translations are as follows (roughly, not verbatim)**:

(1): "All right...A promise is a promise...but in exchange, I need you to get me some things...Look, I can't explain everything now, I'll tell you the details later, OK?..But do you hear that noise?...It's the lamentation of the light spirit that had its light stolen. Where could it be? Eee-hee! Go on! Get going!"

(2): Ugh...we're penned in again? Well, no need to take these guys on one by on, right? I'm sure you'll have dealt with them in no time. Bye!

(3): Hey! We can get in [Mr. Lantern-Dude's house] up there!

(4): Maybe we can use the branches to get across the fog. (Um... I was too lazy to go back to the video and look up how she actually says it)

(5): You can't stop to rest, you know. If you stop, the twilight will cover your world forever. (She randomly decides to bring this up when you're hopping through the woods)

(6): So that's why you turned into a beast! You're the chosen one! Maybe you'd rather be an ignorant spirit like everyone else, wandering in the twilight for all eternity! So, what do you want to do? Go to that temple? How convenient, I was just about to go there myself...And you want to save your friends, right?

* * *

You can tell I had some fun with this chapter :D

Midna's semi-concussion speech is what she actually says mized with what I heard. So, for instance, "A porn is a promise" is originally "A promise is a promise", but when she says that in the game, I heard "porn" amid all her weird-ness. Stuff like that, but you should be able to understand what she's saying.

This might actually turn into a bit of a parody, if it hasn't already!

So, what do you think? Are you dying of laughter? Are you staring blankly at the screen trying to visualize the insane person commanding the keyboard? Did this meet your expectations? Do you have any "Midna Says Weird Things" recommendations? Drop a review! Don't be shy! :D

HAPPY SNOW DAY TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD SNOWBALL FIGHT!!!


	6. A Day Without Impy

Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ.

This chapter sucks. I mean, compared to the other ones. Since there wasn't much to write about. But I still tried my best for what Midna says. Unfortunately, I had to replace her real text for fake stuff, when her saying "You were staring off into dreamland" would have been so funny!

Anyway, Chapter 6's material was found on Youtube, walkthrough materials with me "translating" the speech. "Zelda Twilight Princess 11- Hidden Move 1 Ending Blow" by chunglo, and "The Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess Walkthrough Episode 14" by OPFFIX.

* * *

To the Zit-Poo Temple We Go

Impy left me to travel through the Zit-Poo Woods on my own. With no companionship of any kind. To face all the scary evil monsters in the dark depths of the forest. All alone.

You'd better believe I broke out into song and dance.

Wisely, I decide to go as slow as I possibly can through the woods, just to savor the time without telepathic light spirits and nonsensical unhelpful Impys. I get about five feet from the Faron Spring, and then a Deku Baba pops up and ruins my party. Preparing to vent my frustration on the oh-so-scary monster, I draw my sword.

And Impy's shadowy face is right in front of mine. I yell and fall back.

"Heh peepee mew up there!" she cackles, grinning toothily. "Toot go peepee, me own your boot," she explains, demonstrating a sword swing and the proper way to hold a shield. Then she laughs, and lifts her arms in a mock-shrug, a self-congratulatory gesture. "Mad bay, copy pour me on!" and with a self-satisfying little giggle, she disappears.

Yes, Impy, to swing a sword you pee in my boots. Good job. You are indeed a mad bay. I imitate her stupid mock-shrug like she told me to, do a very bad impersonation of her stupid giggle, and continue hacking my way through the woods.

Only, when I get to the entrance, I find the gate locked. There's only _one person_ who could be responsible for this act, and it's MR. LANTERN-DUDE. I really should learn his name. Oh, well, that's a quest for another day. I storm off to his stupid house with his stupid oil shop and his stupid fire and his stupid soup.

He looks surprised to see me. Hunh?! So... it's the Ordonian! You seemed familiar, but then your clothes seemed kinda different, so I got thrown off for a second!" he explained sheepishly, scratching the back of his head.

Yes, this dress once belong to my girly great-something ancestor, a former hero. Isn't it just so bold? And what a _beautiful_ shade of forest green it is!

_It's a TUNIC!!!_

I nearly wet myself as the insistent Faron telepathically yells this in my mind. And now Mr. Lantern-dude is looking at me funny. "Listen..." he says, "Things have been gettting a little rough around here, so you should watch your step, okay, guy?"

Sure thing. Now please let me go to the forest temple to blindly walk into monumental dangers that put my life on the line and the fate of the world in the balance without a care in the world.

Mr. Lantern-Dude is not telepathic like Faron, and continues oblivious to my thoughts. "There are so many monsters now... I got kinda scared and closed off the path to the temple..."

Weeny.

"But...you, guy... you wanna get back there, huh?" he says, reading my mind.

… Oh, Goddesses DAMMIT ALL. Why is EVERYONE a mind-reader?! I simply nod.

Lantern-Dude starts looking for something in his pockets. "You sure do looked geared up for it...So here you go!" he says, holding out a small key to unlock the path to the forest.

_**You got a **__**small key**__**! This key opens the gate to Faron Woods.**_

"Oh yeah...The woods on the other side of this cave are covered in really thick fog, so make sure your lantern is full!" he warns me. "You're definitely going to need to use your lantern a lot in there, so bring all the oil you can! And check this out! I have a special, one-time offer of a bottle full of lantern oil for only 100 Rupees! How 'bout it, guy? What a bargain!"

No, thanks. I shake my head.

He seems shocked. "What?! That's not right, guy! _But I gave you that lantern for free...Man..._" he groans under his breath.

Oh, do shove it.

"I also sell oil on its own, so come back when you run out, guy!"

Seeing my chance, I run away.

I mutter nonstop as I walk through the caves, killing Keese and Deku Babas as I go. What is up with everyone giving me nicknames?! So far, I've got "armpit pop", "guy", "ray", "bread", and, last but not least, "chicken shit". Who knows how many I'll have accumulated by the time I manage to pull myself out of this mess?

I come out on the other side of the caves, and I see what Lantern-Dude meant my thick fog. The stuff is nasty and purple and covering at least the first three feet of the forest floor, and I'm afraid of what might happen if I stick so much as a toe in that stuff. Remembering what Lantern-Dude said, I take out my lantern.

...Where is my lantern.

...MONKEY!!!

I am about to run after that girl monkey from before when I remember how humiliating it would be to chase it in Hylian form, and so, while the monkey swings it around on the edge of the pier and disperses the fog and beckons for me to follow, and Midna jumps up, yelling, "Ned kicked this! That me do to know me SHIT!!!", I am writhing on the ground having an battle between my Hylian dignity, sanity, and inner beast. Impy gets my attention by kicking me where it hurts, but since she's a shadow it doesn't, and I immediately stop pretending to be going through a horrible painful transformation and chase after Miss Monkey. She leads me through the woods in an unhelpfully roundabout way, swinging the lantern, and I kill enemies when necessary.

After a much longer time than it should have taken to get through the mist, we finally get through the mist. Miss Monkey starts screeching at the top of her lungs, doing some form of victory dance, before letting my now-empty lantern (very considerate of her) clatter to the ground. Then she runs off. Oh well, nobody cares about Miss Monkey, really.

When I emerge in North Faron Woods, I decide to ignore the two ugly Bokoblins in favor of a shop rum by a bird that has lantern oil. I go to buy some...

The bird screeches. "GRRRARRR! FWEEEEEEEEEEET! Hey! Punish the evildoers!" It then proceeds to fly at me, pecking and clawing.

THE EVILDOER IS YOU, YOU STUPID BIRD!!! But I like my eyes, so I "punish" the poor evildoers. I'm never going to enjoy killing Bokoblins again. I will forever remember this day and how they were wrongly accused of evil by a berserk evil bird, and how I was forced to deny them their life. Anyway, that's over, so I go back to Mr. Evil Bird.

Mr. Evil Bird cocks his head. "...Huh? Hey! The evildoers are all gone?"

No, just you left.

"Wait... are you a customer?" the bird asks.

If that wasn't evident _before..._

"Oh! Hey! Sorry! So sorry! Please forgive me!" it screeches loudly, wildly flapping its arms. Then it turns to business mode. "Welcome! Hey! Buy something! Anything!

I dip my lantern into his vat of oil and drop 20 Rupees into his box. "Thanks! Hey! Thanks so much!" he cheers. "Thank you! Hey! Thank you! Come back sometime! Hey!"

Whatever. Shut up.

Glad to be rid of him, I head for the Forest Temple.

...And find a glowing gold wolf, with one red eye, blocking my path.

When I walk up to it, it crouches into an attacking position. Carefully, I respond by drawing my own sword.

But he leaps on me before I can think, leaving a trail of blurred afterimages behind him, and the world goes white.

* * *

"Cliffy"? I think not...

* * *

Oh, great. I'm stuck in some white foggy otherworld now. And in all directions I look in, there's absolutely nothing. I can hear the wolf panting, but I can't see it.

Suddenly, the panting stops, and as it stops, I realize it was coming from behind me. So I turn. And come face-to-face with a really big, tall, scary, one-eyed skeleton warrior. Who glares at me, throws his shield in front of him, and raises his sword.

Can my day get any better than this?

Oh, well. If it's a fight it wants, it's a fight it'll get. I lunge, miss terrifically, and get my ass handed to me, complete with a graceful landing on my back.

As I get up, I almost have a heart attack as it tells me, "A sword wields no strength unless the hand that holds it has courage."

O...kay....I stand up, thoroughly confused.

He stares at me sternly. "You may be destined to become the hero of legend...but your current power would disgrace the proud green of the hero's tunic you wear. You must use your courage to seek power...and find it you must. Only then will you become the hero for whom this world despairs. If you do find true courage, and you wish to save Hyrule from the horror it now faces...Then you will be worthy to receive the secrets I hold!

...Yay?

"Draw your sword, and I will teach you the First Hidden Skill: the Ending Blow!"

I take out my sword and face him, and he begins a long explanation of sorts.

"Enemies that are filled with energy will quickly recover and attack again even when stunned by a powerful strike. The ending blow is a secret technique you can use on stunned enemies to end their breath before they spring back into action. When an enemy lies collapsed on the ground, stunned, target them and leap high into the air and deliver a final strike. Now, try it on me!" After crossing our swords, he falls into a ready position. I strike him a couple of times before he falls back, and then I follow his instructions and drive my sword through his ribcage, quickly drawing it out and flipping off him.

After a moment he gets up and nods in approval. "Hmm. That was a pinpoint strike. Never overlook your opportunity to deliver the ending blow! The first hidden skill, the ending blow, has been passed on!" he announces.

YAY!!!

All I do is nod and demonstrate one last time before doing that awesome sword-twirly-thing that annoys the crap out of Talo. Because I am awesome. I have a HIDDEN FRICKING SKILL!!!

"There are six more hidden skills to pass on," Skeleton-Man tells me. "Those are only for one who carries the blood of the hero...the one whose spirit is that of the sublime beast. Grow powerful. Test your courage. And when you find that you need another skill to overcome the threats that face you...Search for the statues that howl with the sound of the wind. Seek the sound that calls the spirit of the beast to awaken me again."

Okay. Damn, this guy is really long-winded...

"A sword wields no strength unless the hand that holds it has courage," Skeleton-Man reminds me. "Remember those words...Farewell!"

And the world goes white again.

All right! I'm back in Faron Woods, new and improved with an awesome sword technique! And now, I can finally start my quest to get rid of Impy and kick monster butt in the Forest Temple!

* * *

Since this chapter was so boring, I'll see what I can do before the end of break. But I have a feeling that until we get to Twilight in Eldin Province, these will not be as fun. And if you thought Faron was interesting, well, just WAIT until you see Eldin! And if you get worried about that, you will CRAWL when I introduce Lanayru!

And yes, I am intent on giving everyone a nickname.


	7. Monkeys, Baboons, and Evil Chickens

Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ.

You might call it a double feature. You might call it bad. You might call it a continuation of the nearly Impy-less adventures of Link as he saves the Faron Woods, or you might just be happy that I got another chapter out so fast! Yes, this includes Midna-speech, as well as a Freakish Baboon, screeching monkeys galore, an evil Ooccoo, and questions on the anatomy of Twilit Parasite Diababa.

As I wanted to get this over with, there is a huge mixture of Impy-speech translated from OPFFIX's Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess Walkthrough Episodes 14-20, and chunglo's Zelda Twilight Princess walkthrough, episodes 12-16. So, this took a loooong time to make. Hope you enjoy it!

* * *

Zit-Poo Temple of Horrors

I've just noticed how I'm completely and utterly surrounded by idiots.

First, there's Impy. No explanation needed there. Then, we have my dear neighbors, and their god-awful spawn. Alongside that, we have Ordona the Boring Light Spirit, and Faron the Creepily Telepathic Light Spirit-

_I heard that._

I know. Shut up. Anyway, we've got Faron, and we've got Zelda the secretly undignified princess, even though she's not an idiot, and then there's Coro the Coward, who was actually trying not to wet his pants when the teeny little bugs of darkness invaded his home and then tried to lock up the woods. And to top it off, we've got freakish monkeys, freakish squirrels, freakish evil talking birds, freakish goats, and Epona, who throws me off at least twice a week.

Ah, yes. Hyrule, the land of the peaceful, prosperous, and hopeless.

Oh, and then there's this Bokoblin in front of me who is dying because I used my HIDDEN FRICKING SKILL on him. What a temple guard.

Moving on, into the Forest Temple...

It's blocked by an annoying giant spiderweb, and after I deal with that I have to walk forever and a half to get to the first room in the temple.

My welcoming party is Bokoblin and a pair of Deku Babas and Miss Monkey screeching from within a cage. After I deal with the Walltulas on the vines and the monsters that somehow manage to pass off as "plants", I release her, because she's starting to really annoy me with her screaming. Then, when she's free, she does another stupid thing that looks like a victory dance and climbs the vines, trying to make me follow her.

And Impy randomly jumps out of my shadow with a teasing look, suggesting that she's making fun of me for being so popular with ladies.

Impy, you are _gross._

However, her rambling might suggest otherwise. "You may pup, oink?" she asks. I do not get a chance to correct her and tell her that pigs go oink oink and dogs go woof woof, as she continues talking and starts issuing commands. "Are you poop? Pup, Pup, key!"

...I think I'm just gonna follow the monkey instead...

But then, when I reach Miss Monkey, _she_ starts following _me_, until we reach a huge spider in the next room, which isn't nearly as tough as it looks. But then, I stand there for a few minutes before Impy pops up again, pointing at the torches and muttering, "Dub rub, you me die. And you dude, kick me!" she finishes snidely, jumping back in my shadow before I can kick her. Damn. When I light them again, it somehow triggers some machinery in the temple to raise some wooden posts, and while I try to figure out how in the Goddesses' names that works, Miss Monkey starts screeching again, leading me towards the door.

It leads outside, and it's very windy. Miss Monkey starts across the huge bridge, but all of a sudden, a freakish baboon comes out the other entrance, holding what looks like a white stick. Miss Monkey shrieks and starts running back, but Freakish Baboon throws his stick—wait, it's a boomerang-- and annoyingly cuts the bridge. Miss Monkey falls out of sight.

At least I'm rid of another headache.

Unfortunately for me, Freakish Baboon begins screaming in her place, delighted that he cut the bridge. He proceeds to spaz and smack his butt, which is by far the ugliest thing I've ever seen, and run away, leaving me thoroughly scarred. My Life is Average.

And, to my extreme joy, Miss Monkey climbs back up, sighing and heading back towards the door we just came out of. Impy again chooses to comment unnecessarily. But she starts screaming at the top of her lungs instead. "Cut me key! Quit me bow do in the hole!" After I have a heart attack, she calms down. She sighs and gestures at the monkey, indicating that I should just keep following her, which was what I was about to do anyway, but _noooo_, she had to add an unnecessary, "Oh, you need to you want. See bear, keep with you still is big!"

So I retrace all my stinking steps into the last room, and once we get back to the center, Miss Monkey finally decides to have a bright idea, hanging upside down from a vine so I can swing to another door.

But yet again, she has to be unhelpful, for she leads me to an ugly bug that blows up and reveals a cave of pots. And what is inside one of these pots? Why, only the most disturbing talking chicken with a freakish head that you'll ever have the misfortune to see, of course.

I attempt to kill it right there, but miss the head and break the pot. It comes out with a squawk and a flap of wings before shrieking, "Phew! Out at last! Gracious...once I got in there, I couldn't squeeze back out! You were a big help...Thanks!"

You're welcome. Now go away, pleeeease...

"I've been looking for something in here, you see. Gracious, yes!"

I decide not to ask how and why it was looking for "something" in a jar, behind a rock wall that needed to be blown up, in a temple infested with monsters, but today the Goddesses hate me. Either that or it can read minds too, but suddenly that horrible chicken-human-thing-face is right in front of mine, smiling the most creepy evil smile I've ever seen, and it's hissing in the most evil voice I've ever heard, "And don't you _dare_ ask how I got back there, or you might just find yourself waking up in the middle of the night with your eyes clawed out. _Understand?_"

I nod.

It's suddenly back on the floor, polite and happy as ever. "You must need something here, too. Shall we try working together for a while, fellow adventurer?" the thing chirps. "You may not think I look like much, but I can be quite helpful! I can even warp you out of here if you want to leave.

I decide against commenting that it can only do one thing, and that that one thing isn't very helpful, but it's suddenly in my face again doing its creepy-evil act, whispering, "_Not a word!_"

Okay.

And it's back on the floor again, cheery as ever. "So don't think of me as a burden! Now let's get started!

Then it goes through an explanation of how it can warp me. "Just talk to me, and my son will warp you out," it explains, and suddenly a disgusting flying _head_ is hovering around me and disturbing me.

OH, JOY.

_**You met Ooccoo! If you call her in a dungeon, she will let you out and allow you to return when you want.**_

Holy crap, Creepy-Evil-Chicken-Thing is a SHE?!

I decide to push the incident from my mind and forget I'm carrying Creepy-Evil-Chicken-Thing and Spawn in my pouch, and continue through this hellhole.

Five billion monkey screeches, nine hundred fifty-two ugly monsters, and twelve wrong turns and rooms later, I find another caged, screeching monkey stuck on a pole, and I have to give myself a concussion by rolling into the damn thing to knock it down. And _then_, when I thought my headache couldn't get any worse, two Bokoblins start making their horrible gurgling war yells and attack. It takes me about five minutes to beat them, having a concussion and all, and afterward, I take a looong nap.

I wake up and find that I now have two screaming monkeys to deal with. And Mr. and Ms. Monkey don't like to be kept waiting, so we take turns playing Follow the Leader While Screeching through the stupid temple, until they finally stop following me in the room with the torches, and leave me to go into the next room, filled with various happy wonders such as Deku Babas and Deku Likes, which don't die unless you make them eat a bomb. And the next room contains an even better surprise: ANOTHER SCREECHING MONKEY!!!

So, with a sigh, a groan, and some sobbing, I give myself another concussion to get the key out of the treasure chest on a wooden pole, light some torches, make my way across the room, get hit by a few Tile Worms, fight off an annoying spider, and unwillingly free the monkey, who's so happy to see me that he starts jumping and screeching even louder. I briefly consider "silencing" it, but I don't and ignore it to take another nap.

Then, after I wake up, I go into yet another room with yet another monkey and yet another annoying monster and do my thing, earning me another screeching companion. And then, I have to go back to the room where I left the first two. Let's see... that's... four walking, talking headaches! I tell you, when I get out of here, I am going on a monkey killing spree...

Now they are pulling me towards the door that leads to the broken bridge. And what a surprise it is that _it's still broken._ But, before I can question the size of the brain of a primate, they honestly surprise me by actually using their brains and forming a monkey chain, so I can swing all the way across. If they put their brains to work, they could take over Hyrule if they wanted to!

I cross the monkey-bridge, and who else do I find inside the door than Freakish Baboon! He throws his stupid boomerang at me, knocks some Baba Serpents from the ceiling, and smacks his ass again to taunt me, and seriously disturb me.

That monkey is going _down._

I deal with the freakish plant-things quickly, so I can go after Freakish Baboon and his Freakish Butt. Unfortunately, I realize he will literally have to go down, and that in order to do that, I will need to give myself about twenty concussions. The stupidity of all the stupid people and stupid animals in this stupid world must have rubbed off on me, because I do it, just so I can kill the Freakish Baboon. And in the end, it doesn't even work. A mind-controlling bug was using him to be evil, and when he regains his senses, he runs off, _screeching._

At least I got his awesome wind-controlling boomerang...

Then Impy pops up to say something stupid.

"Might want you tie. Hey, gomp pear what you need cupcake you give to me." Then she dives back into my shadow.

Impy, just for taunting me with cupcakes, I'm not sharing.

I go back to the door, which still has bars on it. Then I see a little windmill above the door. Catching on, I send the Gale Boomerang at it.

It lifts a little, then stops.

Okay... let's try this again.

It lifts up an inch.

...This is going to be a long, angry process. One more time.

Finally, the bars raise all the way. I guess third time's the charm...

But when I get outside, I find that all the monkeys have gone somewhere else, and now I can't get back to the other side of the temple. Stupid monkeys. Then, I notice a little wooden bridge, and on the other side is...

ANOTHER ANNOYING SCREECHING MONKEY!!! YAY!!!!

But, after killing the Bokoblin guard and knocking the cage out of the tree, the monkey does a short screeching victory dance and jumps away, out of sight. This was odd, but a welcome change. And then Impy has to spoil the moment. "You can't eat bread tonight. Pay me if you want power."

I don't need to listen to you, Impy. You're just a shadow. You don't have food, and you don't have HIDDEN FRICKING SKILLS. So I ignore her nonsense and continue, just so I can finish this sticking temple and kill all the monkeys of Hyrule.

A few more wrong turns later, I find a treasure chest holding the Big Key to the boss of the temple. At least once I kill it, I can get out of this giant tree filled with monsters and monkeys and all things joyful.

When I go outside and cross a bridge, a screaming monkey is waiting for me. It leads me to a giant room, and after crossing the bridges in there to the next room, I find the five or six monkeys I've already saved jumping in unison on giant mushroom-like growths at the edge of the room, screeching like a monkey chorus. There are three empty mushroom-things left with the new addition, and if I'm guessing correctly, which I really hope I'm not, I must save three more monkeys so they can all sing and dance in wonderful monkey harmony.

And then Impy has to put in her two Rupees again, clearly ordering me to find the rest of them even if I can't understand her. "Wrong bear the cupcake. Just pay you."

So I have to retrace my steps, which takes a few hours, and eventually find myself in the torch room again. Then I notice a treasure chest hanging over my head, so I knock it down, almost dying. I'm awesome. Anyway, it has a Compass inside it, and Impy points out that this can lead us to the other monkeys, by which I mean that more crap came out of her mouth. It went something like this: "If we wit did! It bit bread cup hit any!"

Okay, this is just getting ridiculous.

After more navigating, more wrong turns, more spiders, more Deku Babas, more fun with boomerangs and bombs, and more headaches, I finally find Mr. Monkeys 5, 6, and 7. I get back to the big Monkey Chorus room, and when I arrive, the all start screaming, jumping, and climbing the tree they're on. One by one, they go to the top, and start hanging by each other's limbs, forming a giant monkey rope for me to swing across to reach the boss. Admittedly, they're clever. Like I said, world domination by monkeys.

I swing across the monkey chain, and it's actually kind of fun.

And now, after all the blood, sweat, tears, and brain cells it took to get to the boss, I'm here. Outside the boss door. Ready to go in. Waiting. Just chilling. Not nervous at all.

Fine, I'll go in...

When I enter, it's quiet. _Too_ quiet...

Until, from the middle of the acidic lake, comes a bunch of bubbles. Followed by two ugly plant-ugly-head-ugly-things, which are ugly. Which also look hungry, so I give them some Bombling Flambé.

After both heads sink back into the water, I thought it was over. BUT I WAS WRONG. Because the heads came back, unfortunately accompanied by their mommy, or their daddy, or whatever the hell it was, because I have no idea if Twilit Parasite Diababa even has a gender, or if it reproduced asexually, or if those are even its offspring, or if I should even be wondering about the anatomy of a Twilit Parasite Diababa when its third ugly head is roaring in my face at deafening volume and making repeated attempts to eat me with its two smaller heads.

So, for about ten minutes, I run around the room avoiding acid spray and giant plant heads, and all of a sudden I hear the worst sound in the world you will ever hear. It was worse than nails on a chalkboard. It was worse than Ilia trying to sing.

It was a monkey screech. _Damnit all!_

And Freakish Baboon is waving at me from some ledge, and swings across to another ledge, and then reaches for something I can't see and holds up a Bombling.

And monkeys will now commence world takeover.

Well, maybe after the Freakish Baboon helps me beat Twilit Parasite Diababa. I aim the boomerang at Freakish Baboon's Bombling as he swings by, and then at the middle head, since, you know, it's the biggest and the ugliest. It takes just one bomb, and then the two smaller heads sink into their acid pool and the big head comes crashing down, and I use my HIDDEN FRICKING SKILL, the Ending Blow, and, it, well, ends.

Twilit Parasite Diababa obviously liked its only eye, because right after I stab it, it flings its head into the air and round in circles and spraying acid everywhere, yelling and roaring at the top of its whatever-it-has, before dramatically withering segment by segment, until the eye falls out from near the ceiling and explodes dramatically, turning into a Heart Container, dramatically. Dramatically, I slash and spin my sword and sheath it, looking AWESOME.

But the other parts of Exploded Twilit Parasite Diababa exploded differently. Diababa is now about three hundred million, two hundred seventy-five thousand, eight hundred ninety-two squares of blackness, which all condense and form a....thing.

When in doubt, ask Impy.

And, the first thing that she does after all my hard work, killing every single enemy in this damn tree about five times, putting up with her and eight too many monkeys and one too many Freakish Baboons and one too many Creepy-Evil-Chicken-Things, she _laughs_ at me! Fuck you, Impy!

"Take it," she says. Then, she takes it, with her ugly hand-hair. She goes on a long-winded explanation of the Fused Shadows being the "dark power" the Light Spirits talked about, wondering if this was really as "easy" as it looked, and that we shouldn't spend more time here, by which I mean she said nothing helpful. "Keep it. And you dude me. Do you, bread, womping pup oil? You and you keep poo knee. Better take what you get... If what it itchy keep oh, in pup mare pear bib!" Then, the Fused Shadow disappears with her hair-hand, and she says matter-of-factly, "Then Zeet won, keep the beat." She forms a portal on the floor and remarks, "Gomp you need pair, yet you wet see." She starts giggling in the portal, so I pick up the Heart Container, and after a short celebration about my life meter gaining a heart, whatever that means, I walk up to Impy and her portal so we can leave.

"Do you gone my puppy?"

Uh...sure...

So with that taken care of, I go into her portal and disappear into Twilightyness.

* * *

AND WE'RE BACK AT THE GODDAMN FARON SPRING AGAIN...

_Shut up!_

Geez, pushy light spirit...

"..._Heroic_...Link..." an invisible Faron says from the spring, through gritted teeth, "Do not think that Hyrule is now saved from the spread of twilight...Leave these woods and go to the east, where you will find the land protected by the spirit Eldin."

Oh, joy, another weird light spirit.

"SHUT UP! There you will find those you seek..."

...Who?

"The village brats...?"

Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten about them...

Faron sighs and continues, "But know that these lands lie in twilight...They are now a dark realm covered by the clouds of dusk. If you set foot beyond the curtain of twilight, you will revert to your beast form, so be prepared."

Great. More Impy and Wolf Quality Time.

"Sucks for you. Hero chosen by the gods... Leave these woods and go to the east, to the land of Eldin."

Then Impy pops up again, pointlessly. "Do you have bread?"

Jeez, what is with her and her obsession with bread?!

"Want, you cup? Bear bin cup and you get me. Yup, yup, puppy bear is too gross, too. Eee-hee! Pup!"

I am not a dog, mutt, cur, whelp, pup, you stupid imp. I am a WOLF!!!

...And she's not listening. Well, screw her.

On to Eldin and Twilight!

* * *

FINALLY got that horrible temple out of the way so we can go back to Impy and Twilight and fun-ness. And next chapter introduces ELDIN!!! Oh, what fun surprise do I have prepared for you poor people this time around... Well, if you already know, SHHHH! ;)

Yes, I hate the monkeys. I hate them a lot.


	8. The Bug Hunt: Ass You Need Die

Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ

IT'S HERE!!! Since my weekend's going to be real busy and I didn't have homework, I finished the chapter! And I had WAY TOO MUCH FUN writing it! So, the videos used for Midna's speech were: OPFFIX's The Legend of Zelda Walkthrough Episode 21, 22, 23, 24; chunglo's Zelda Twilight Princess 17, 18, 19, 20; and peteyboo's Best. Death. Ever. All were found on Youtube.

Now, LET'S GET THE MADNESS STARTED!!!

* * *

The Bug Hunt: Ass You Need Die

With the Twilight banished from Faron Province and the monsters in the Forest Temple gone, the Faron Woods became peaceful once again. After Impy left me in peace, I go ambling through the woods, slowly headed in the direction of the gate to Hyrule Field, which will undoubtedly take me to the lands ruled by Eldin.

The sun shines brightly overhead, and the soothing greens of the forest fill me with a profound sense of peace. The birds are chirping, the insects buzzing, and the wildlife roaming just out of sight within the cloak of trees. I savor the sweet swishing of grass beneath my tree and the earthy coolness that absorbs me as I walk beneath the hollow tree roots. As I emerge in the clearing with Coro, I once again feel the warmth of the sun sinking into my tunic, and I would like nothing more than to lie on my back in the grass, staring up into the impossibly clear blue sky all day, watching the lazy white clouds drift far above, forgetting that I have a duty that must be fulfilled, a world to save.

Okay, enough of that crap. Long story short, I walked through the woods. Whee.

There's only a couple of monsters on the path leading out of the forest, so I decide to "play" with them for a while.

I finally emerge on Hyrule Field, and for a person surrounded by trees all his life who's only heard of a field, it was pretty impressive at first glance. There were trees on the horizon and a few isolated ones in the middle of the field, but between here and there, just grass, grass grass, with hills and a pond and the occasional bush. But there was something ugly, orange-black, and big looming on the horizon, and I could only assume this was Faron's "curtain of twilight".

_Correct._

Good to know.

Then I notice that there are Bombskits and Kargaroks and Bokoblins on the Field, so I opt for jogging across and hoping I don't run into too much trouble.

I am nearly across as the sun begins to set, and I've only had one run-in with a Kargarok that got away annoyingly, squawk-laughing at me, and I'm really close to the entrance to the Twilight, and-

"HEEEEEEY!!!"

Oh _Goddesses_, no....

There are legends of monsters more fearsome than Diababa. The people are told stories of evil mages and beasts that hide in the darkness, of vicious gigantic sand-worms and giant eels and resurrected warriors, but there is none more feared or hated than the one known as the Postman. Also known as the Sprinting Stalker.

This freakish-looking harbinger of doom jogs up to me, oblivious to the Kargarok wounds on his shoulder, sword slashes on his arms, and Bombskit-burned clothes, and announces, "Go no further! There is a black wall ahead that blocks the way!"

That's kind of where I'm going, but thanks anyway. Now, if you'll let me run away...

He doesn't. He waves his arms in a hopeless gesture and sighs, "I thought I would deliver a few letters, but it seems impossible..."

Poor you. Go cry a river, build a bridge, and jump off it. And drown in the current.

He, however, is not Faron. "I am the honorable and dependable mail carrier, known to some as...the postman," he says.

I am the strong and courageous hero of Hyrule, known to some as...Link. Or Bread. Or Chicken Shit.

"Now that I have introduced myself, please! Take this letter and read it at your leisure!" He hums some stupid theme as he reaches for something in that big flag-toting backpack of his and hands it to me. Then, he suddenly salutes and proclaims, "Well, my business is concluded! Onward to mail!" Then he jogs away.

I look at the thing he gave me and almost faint from shock. It's a _letter._

Then I open the letter and almost faint from shock again. It's from the _Sprinting Stalker._

It reads: "-About Mail Delivery- If I have a letter for you, I will approach you at high speed! Please do not flee!"

That was completely stupid, seeing as he just demonstrated that. Actions really do speak louder than words, especially when you do the actions yelling at the top of your lungs. And to add insult to injury, he's left me this little paper memento of his evil presence.

Oh, well, maybe a passing boar will bite his head off...

Well, it's getting late, so I continue on my not-so-merry way. It's almost sunset by the time I reach the wall, getting bigger, darker, and uglier every step I take toward it. Finally, when it starts glowing orange, Impy pops up from my shadow, looking almost apprehensively at me, as if she's nervous herself, or if she's wondering if I'm ready to go in.

"Pup gone ass. ...Keep it? We. There, you poop with me. From there, I'll take you keep. What, gone you need me. Up what do you might?"

Um...yes...?

Impy floats away through the wall and I brace myself because OH GODDESSES NOOOO IT'S THE EVIL HAND HELP ME GAHHH!!!

...Aaaand we're back in the Twilight, and I get three seconds as a human before Wolfifying. And then, Impy lands heavily on my back. Again.

She pats the sides of my head, which feels good... NO, LINK!!! Then she snickers, and says, "Good boy, to you I know. Pee, I have to do there!" Before she can continue, I walk over to a nearby bush and look at her expectantly. Instead, she smacks my head and continues, "Pup, pup, dude," and yawns. "Won wrong, do you, eat. Are me!"

She's finished destroying my brain cells for now, so I run for a little while, attempting to throw her off my back for everything she has, or hasn't, done so far, until I come across a stick giving off a strong scent.

I walk up to it, and give it a good whiff. Then I remember. This piece of shit is the wooden sword I loaned Talo. So if he came through here, then maybe so did Malo and Beth and Colin and Ilia.

_**You learned the Youth's Scent!**_

It stinks.

Impy seems to notice that I found something, because she suddenly exclaims, "Ooh do sneeze! Twist to pee a stone ass!" Then she laughs.

I vomit. That is _GROSS._

So, I continue on my way, now limping because of throwing up because of Impy because of stinky scents, but a little ways down the road are three of those black uglies. Hey, it must be Inka's great-great nineteenth step-uncle twice removed, his best friend's mom's daughter's brother, and his long-long twin grandcousin, Flookysnookfup, Tshreequazblobl, and Yoogoogoogoo!

By the time Tshreeqazblobl and Yoogoogoogoo notice that I'm here, Flookysnookfup is already on the ground with his throat bit out. And it doesn't take long for Impy to whip out her hand-hair and deal with the other two, who explode into black uglies and form an ugly blue-and-black portal in the ugly black-and-orange sky.

I prepare to on my happy way when I realize that there is no happy way to go on. In fact, there isn't even a sad way, because there's no way at all. OKAY, WHO STOLE THE BRIDGE?!

Impy sighs and groans, "Dude, uhhhhh.... oh, key pay. Me what now, what what. Hey, bread up. What dude, die!"

I don't listen to half her rambling, because I'm bashing my head into the wooden post. Then I get a concussion. It's not a less painful way to lose brain cells, but I prefer it to Impy.

I must be seeing things, because Impy is suddenly floating in front of me, holding the map to my face and pointing things out.

She indicates the yellow mark, which marks our location, which I already knew. "We with dude, me we with. One brick Inka power. See this ass thing we with?" she asks, pointing to blue marks on the map, and then indicating the portal above me to show that those mark portal locations. "What do you gone. You pay or die. It may you dude, you die...." She scans the Faron Woods on the map and delightedly exclaims, circling the portal in North Faron Woods. "There gooey! Pooping cute cow tooch one bee."

I have a feeling she wants me to go to North Zit-Poo Woods, so I point to North Zit-Poo Woods with my snout.

"Oh, kicking ass?"

Sure...

And we're flying away in Twilightyness.

* * *

We're in North Zit-Poo Woods. At night. But I'm still a stinking wolf. Impy, who had gone back into my shadow, pops up and says, "Bays suck shin! Toot me, or kick dude's two shins. So what two skin." Then she leaves me alone.

Well, we're looking for a bridge, and I assume that since we're here we've seen it here before. I turn to the left, and look what we have here! A BRIDGE! How convenient!

Impy jumps back up, excited. Giggling, she says, "Dude's arm. Ohh, cool! Kill me, and poop my dog! We bit bid!"

I will not do my business in front of a shadowy imp that can't speak in any other language but Gibberish to save her life. However, she's inspecting the bridge, and, deciding for herself, she concludes that this is the bridge we are looking for. So she holds out the map, and points to Kakariko. "Come hoe in arm." Then she flies up, zaps the bridge with her hand hair, and—HOLY SHIT SHE PICKED IT UP WITH AWESOME TELEKINESIS POWERS!!! Faron, can you do that??

_No._

Oh...But still, HOLY SHIT!!!

So with a lot of rumbling, it floats up about the trees before dissolving into Twilightyness. And then I'm next.

* * *

When I'm able to see again, I'm on the middle of the bridge. Impy suddenly pats my sides again, and starts bragging. "Bad toothpick! Bread womping wrong tie! See to you pup wash. Icky pie!"

One day, I want to figure out exactly how you "Womp" something, because apparently I do a lot of that. On top of obsessively womping things, I have been renamed Bread, called a "bad toothpick", been taunted with Krispy Kreme, Triscuits, cupcakes, Icky pies, and lots of bread, and now, to top everything off, Impy has the bizarre idea that she's going to give me, a _wolf_, a "pup wash". This is one of those days where I feel like climbing up to my tree house in Ordon, ignoring anyone who comes by and threatening to dump whatever happens to be in the boiling pot on fire at the time on their head. This I do every Thursday, but also when Ilia's special times roll around towards the ends of the months. However, Seeing as I have been transformed into a wolf, renamed Bread, taunted with bread and many other foods by a freakish Impy who can't speak normally, I can't go home and hide from the world. Bummer.

So I follow the yellowish scent down the not-so-yellow dirt road, hoping that when I find the brats something horrible will have happened so they can never bug me again. I destroy a couple enemies along the way, and notice how much awesomer it is to kill things in wolf form. Two good hits does most weaklings in.

Finally, the not-so-yellow dirt road ends with a big black gate and two enemies behind it. I'm about to crawl under the gate, when Impy makes a remark on the two enemies behind it, sounding as confused as if someone was teaching her proper speech. "Wrong...chicken wing. You need up in poo be tower. Oh, caproose..."

And no, Impy, I'm not making a meal out of them. Mincemeat, yes, but not a meal.

So, ignoring her, which I should probably do more often, I dig under the gate and kill the two Twilit Bulbins, and then resume following the not-so-yellow dirt road.

It leads to a town, and Inka's great-aunt-in-law, twelfth cousin once removed on his stepsister's side, and his dad, respectively named Nirgrrshipoopoo, Wylydakikinbangf, and Fruffyvijidingash are waiting for us. So, I greet them in a very friendly manner, complete with all the required snarls, lunges, and snaps for the face. Pretty soon, Nirgrrshipoopoo, Wylydakikinbangf, and Fruffyvijidingash are exploding into black uglies and form the ugly blue-and-black portals in the ugly black-and-orange sky, just like Flookysnookfup, Tshreequazblobl, and Yoogoogoogoo.

And then, I look to my right, and my heart nearly stops, because floating in the middle of the spring is a cloud of light. And if I was bored to death last time, when Faron the Telepathic spoke, I shudder in horror at the thought of this one.

_Hahahaha.... Poor Hero... if you think I'm a pain in the ass, wait until you talk to Eldin here... Hmm... I wonder if you'll live long enough to meet the horror known as Lanayru...?_

Gee, thanks a whole damn lot, Faron, for making me horrified and then humming some happy song in the back of my head. Well, hopefully this guy isn't as long-winded as Faron or Skeleton-Dude...

...Oh. Oh _no._

"To the hero... chosen by the goddesses...named Din, the Goddess of Power...Nayru, the Goddess of Wisdom...and... Farore, Goddess of Courage...whose name...is Link...who comes from Ordon...in the south...of Hyrule...in Ordona's lands...who was transformed... into... a blue-eyed beast...who is a wolf...in spirit form...in the realm of shadows...in twilight...at dusk....in the evening..."

_Fuck. me._

"...This way...toward me...the cloud of light...glowing...in the spring...on the left..."

OKAY, OKAY, SHUT UP AND STOP RAMBLING, PLEASE!!! YOU'RE WORSE THAN FARON!!!

Faron laughs inside my head. Stupid Faron.

_Hey, I'm not the one dealing with Eldin..._

Goddesses help me....

I walk over to the light-cloud.

"I am...a spirit...of light...A light spirit... like Ordona...and Faron...and Lanayru...who guards these lands...of Eldin Province...by the will of the Goddesses...Din, Nayru, and Farore... who created Hyrule..."

Someone, anyone, if you're listening, please shoot me through the head with a flaming arrow.

"Hero...named Link...chosen by the Goddesses...wearer of the green man-dress..."

_It's a TUNIC!!! Goddesses DAMMIT ALL, Eldin, I'm here busy trying to teach Link the Fucking Hero Chosen by the Goddesses that it's a tunic and not a dress, and YOU come along and tell him it's a MAN-dress! Holy Farore, how many times do I have to repeat myself?! IT. IS. NOT. A. MAN-DRESS!!!!!!!!_

"Faron...light spirit...of Farore...who guards the Faron Province...who takes the form of a monkey...and wielder of telepathy...is that you...?"

_Who else would it fricking be?! Now get on with your stupid spiel so we can get you your damn tears!_

"FINE...Since no one...appreciates me...Hero...named Link...chosen by the Goddesses...Look for...my light...the shining stuff...Gather the light stolen by the shadows... the dark insects...those annoying fleas...and store them...in this...the Vessel...of Light... that looks like...a grape vine..."

_**You got the Vessel of Light! Use this to collect the tears that cut through the darkness. When the Vessel is full of tears, you can dispel the twilight and return the land to its light-filled state. To **__**see the evils that consume the Tears, press X to use your senses.**_

Um... Okay... I simply concentrate and sniff and look around with wolf-eyes, but if the weird imaginary Voice says so, X-senses it is...

And shit, the light-cloud of eternal rambling isn't done rambling.

"...The insects of darkness...those creepy-crawly bugs...those parasites...that shoot electricity...They are the form taken...by the evil that attached itself...to my scattered light...when I was attacked...and had my light stolen......In this shadowy twilight...this strange dusk....this land of darkness...the shadow insects are invisible...or transparent...or translucent...and you cannot see them...much as the people from your light world are...like the children...and the postman...and the bomb-master...and the shaman...and his daughter...and the Gorons...and the Zoras...and the people in Castle Town......With the last of my power...I am at the end of my strength...I will soon die...even though I never actually do...But anyway...let me mark your map...magically...because I have no appendages...or limbs...or arms...or-"

_ELDIN!!!_

"FINE...Let me mark your map...with the locations...of the tears that have turned into...shadow insects...so you know where to find them...and where they are...and their current positions......But be careful...the darkness...now hunts you...it follows you...stalking along behind...waiting for you to drop your guard...Link, wearer of the green TUNIC...hero chosen by the goddesses...good luck...goodbye... farewell."

FINALLY to get away from that horrible super-long-winded light spirit!

...Oh no. Ordona was long-winded, Faron was longer-winded, and this guy... was _shit_. Who _knows_ what the last one will be like??

_You've got worse things to worry about with Lanayru._

Why? Does he ramble and do something else as well?

_No, he's a shorter speaker... but he tends to..._

What?

_Uh... you'll see..._

Fine. Leave me in the dark to face my doom by holy powers. I run faaaar away from Eldin's or whatever-his-name-is' spring to start the stupid bug hunt all over again.

First, I try the circular building right in front of the spring, but Impy's more interested in the small metal roof jutting out around the back. When she sees it, she points at it and says excitedly, "Wee mitt!" Then she flies up to the tree next to the roof beckoning with her hand-hair to jump.

I jump, and she catches me. Then we jump to the metal roof and then to the main stone roof, where there is a huge boarded-up patch over the center. The wood must have rotted or something, because I fall through and land loudly and heavily in the room below.

It was a room full of those greenish spirit-flames, so I concentrate on my wolf-senses to see them.

A middle-aged man sporting a blast-mask and a beer belly... a girl with short, straight black hair... a man with longer black hair who might be her father, and...oh great. The village brats.

Beth and Talo are on either side of the father-guy, heads down. Colin's standing in front of the man, facing away from me. The black-haired girl is next to Beth, the blast-man is by the windows, and Malo is in between the two groups.

"Cripes!" the bomb-man says. "I don't see those black brutes anywhere...They've gotta be hidin' somewhere, waitin' for their helpless little prey to come out! Then they'll FEAST!"

..I think he's a glass half-empty kind of person.

Bomb-man twitches and fidgets as he looks out the window. Talo lifts his head and the man turns to him. "We are safe as long as we remain in here, child. Be at ease."

Bomb-man turns away from the window to challenge him, lifting his mask to reveal thick glasses, a balding, frizzy head of thinning hair, and a beard that wraps around his mouth and looks like it goes up his nostrils. "Oh yeah?" he retorts, " I wonder if the monsters out there agree with you..."

Father-Man shoots Bomb-Man a warning glare, but Bomb-Man glares back. "They sure didn't seem impressed by my bombs! How long do you think we can hold out in this sanctuary against beasts that strong, huh? Once they attack, it's OVER! Remember that lady from the general store? Just one of those things attacked her, and a whole gang from town went to save her! And what happened? She was already gone, and there were TWO monsters waitin'!...You connectin' the dots? That means that if we get attacked by them, then we'll be..."

"BARNES!!!" Father-Man yells, just as Beth, who had been shaking, begins to cry.

Father-Man shoots Bomb-Man another look, but Bomb-Man simply replaces his visor and sinks to the floor, laughing some weird, hopeless kind of cackle.

Father-Man shoots him another glare.

Bomb-Man, now crawling on the floor, begins to reason instead of challenge. "Look, Renado, all I mean to say is that it's risky here, too! Ain't you got some place we can hide?"

"There is...a cellar..." Renado mutters.

Barnes scrambles over. "WHAT?! You've got a CELLAR?! Where's the entrance, man?"

"The entrance to the cellar is designed to open when all the candles have been lit..." Renado explains.

Barnes manages to light one torch before the black-haired girl speaks up. "...I...would not do that...When Father instructed me to secure the cellar, I saw insects like the beasts outside..."

Barnes immediately retreats in terror.

...Forget Bomb-Man. This guy's a Bomb Baby...

Bomb Baby goes to watch the window again, and Colin starts trying to comfort Beth. More than I would've done, at least. "Don't cry, Beth! It'll be OK!" he says, putting up his hand just to have her knock it away. "Link is coming to save us all!"

As he says that, I feel a pang of guilt.

...Eh, whatever...

The kids, however, all look up hopefully at Colin's words. Even Bomb Baby, Renado, and his daughter turn to him. Then he becomes his usual cowardly self under all the attention and says "...I can feel it!"

Everyone looks away again.

Then Impy starts laughing. "Eat you two poop inside! Toot in sweat, neat...What take you pay phone keep your weight eight. To boss me, you is arm set. What ruse knee in armpit. Kit poor me! Poory arm poory poo! Keep head tea. Zoot, ryon!"

Um... whatever...I grab the stick Bomb Baby dropped, and, surprised that they don't notice a floating stick, run around the room and light the torches. The owl statue in the middle slides to the left and reveals a hole to the basement.

"What sorcery is this?!" Renado exclaims, but I'm falling into the basement...

There are three annoying bugs in the basement, and I climb out by way of the rafters after Impy suggests, "In bib! Dude oil nude."

We emerge in a happy little graveyard with lone bug underground, and after he's dealt with, we run back into town. One bug is in an abandoned storehouse, two are in a deserted inn, one is in a multi-leveled shop, and one is in the bottom of the tall building overlooking the town, and the two bugs after that are when things really start getting interesting.

After I emerged from the tall building, I saw the two final insects in the village and went chasing after them. They flew inside the house, so I followed them in via a tunnel. I sensed them hiding in the chimney, and so, seeing the fireplace, conveniently placed stick, and conveniently burning toppled lantern, I made to smoke them out like I had before.

And that is when things went horribly, horribly wrong.

Apparently these bugs had managed to set themselves on fire, and streaked out of the fireplace, hitting walls in their blind pain and panic. And I just now noticed that this house is dangerously full of what seem to be highly violent pyrotechnics, and two burning-electrically charged bugs hitting everything they can makes things horribly unsafe for me. Already half of one of the walls is burning.

"Huh? What did you do?! Impy screams at me. "Sorry, but as romantic as this is, I'm not going to stay here with you. I'm getting out!" She abruptly turns to bubbles and flies out.

Well, that's really nice of—Did she say _romantic?!_

Wait...IMPY SPOKE NORMALLY?!

I try to dash after her, but one of the bugs hits me, so while I'm recovering from that hit, the house is burning all around me and explosions are rocking the place, and Impy yells, "BUMHEAD!" Translation: "HEY!! If you don't hurry up and get out...Ohh... I can't even say it!"

Now more desperate than anything, I follow her out, and begin sprinting away as soon as I'm out, barely noticing Impy's extremely two-ton weight landing on my back. And not a moment too soon, for as we run away, the house is consumed by flames, bombarded by explosion after explosion, and blasted into oblivion, leaving only a charred, jagged square of concrete, some blackened wood, and three Tears of Light behind.

Impy makes an "oh well" noise, shaking her shoulders. "Hmm... ass eat gomp you need die." Then she adds sheepishly, hesitantly, "Pee, Pee take kick to wear your thing."

Whatever, Impy. I can't believe we just _did_ that! We'll be charged with breaking and entering! Vandalism! Destruction of property! Misuse of homemade pyrotechnics! We'll need to pack whatever we can carry on our backs and move to a new country under different names to escape the law and a lifetime sentence in jail! I'll be... Nilk! And She'll be... Mandi!

Oh, wait. No one saw us. Aaaand I'm a wolf. Right. I knew that. To cover up my little spastic attack that has Impy looking at me strangely, I run over to the ruins and grab the three tears, and quickly go back down into town to deal with the last bug, hiding in another abandoned building.

Since there's no other bugs in town, I go out of the village the opposite way I came, which is a winding path going steadily upwards towards the tall mountain. Eventually we reach an impassable cliff face covered in mesh, which I could have climbed if I had fricking opposable thumbs. Impy points this out unnecessarily, saying, "Wrong zeet pup oh you and I", along with her stupid smug remark that she could easily get me up there.

I allow that to pass without a bark and let her pull me up. Once we get up, I hear the spirit sigh, so I hone my senses to listen to what this rock-guy... I think it's called a Goron...has to say.

"Ugh...why do I have to stand guard?" he groans. "The ladder is destroyed, so it's not like any humans will come up...And what is with the elders? If we have a problem the humans can help with, we should ask. It is better than suffering for the sake of our pride."

Wonderful. Sounds like I'm gonna have some trouble getting back here...

It doesn't worry me now, though, since, you know, no one can see me but Impy. So I continue, killing some Keese along the way, and notice one of the bugs. As I kill it, I hear something really weird in the wind. It sounds like the wind is blowing through something which makes a song...

_"__Search for the statues that howl with the sound of the wind. Seek the sound that calls the spirit of the beast to awaken me again."_

Oh yeah... what Skeleton-Man told me. Good thing I remembered, or I would have never remembered.

_One, that sentence doesn't even make sense. Two, that was ME. I was paying attention to what he said, unlike YOU._

Be quiet, Faron. No one asked you.

_If you don't watch yourself, I'm going to get Eldin to seriously annoy you once we revive him._

But he's dead...sort of. And anyway, he can't follow me like you.

_Well, through my telepathy, he can follow us..._

WHAT?!

_Yep._

I'll be good. Somewhat.

_Thank you. _

Well, crap. Faron can annoy me all he wants, because if he doesn't then Eldin will annoy me all he can. However, that is not the most pressing matter at the moment. I go up to the Howling Stone and howl...a song.

Hm... high note, middle, low...high, middle, low. Sounds sort of like a requiem. For the spirit. Maybe it's because Eldin died. Well, I sure wouldn't sing this Requiem of Spirit for him, but if the Howling Stone wants me to...

I howl this Requiem of Spirit, and suddenly I'm in another otherworld than the otherworld I was in before with Skeleton-Man. Impy has thankfully vanished, and I'm on a cliff that doesn't exist over a nighttime that is not, overlooking the great landmarks of Hyrule, such as the castle and the snowy northern mountains, with an abyssal plain in between them, obscured so the bottom is not visible.

And on another cliff is Skeleton-Man in his one-eyed golden ghost form.

I don't know how long we stand there for, but I finally realize Skeleton-Man wants me to howl the song again.

_Took you long enough..._

Be quiet. Okay. Howl the song...

Then Skeleton-Man starts howling with me. And we howl a pretty awesome song.

"Let teachings of old pass to you...Take sword in hand a find me..." Skeleton-Man says. Then he runs and jumps off the cliff somewhere.

Okay...I had no idea he was suicidal...

_He's already dead, dimwit._

Shut up, Faron. I don't need your input.

Then the world goes blinding white again. I'm back at the Howling Stone on the path to Death Mountain, and Impy is once again on my back. Suddenly, she pulls out my map, and I notice a tiny gold wolf marker at the Ordon Spring.

Okay, that was fun. I continue up the way to the mountain, dodging steaming geysers as I go.

* * *

After a whole lot of climbing, we finally begin to descend into some weird area at the base of the real mountain, and not just the trail. And as I look down, I see four people I wanted to see the least.

It appears that Grytblurpbwab, Krfnkrgy, Vigbppntash, _and_ Eccxzsrsrsrsrs, who are Inka's half-stepcousin twice removed on the mother's side in-law, his great step-uncle, his younger older fraternal identical twin triplet, and his half-daughter were waiting for us. So I go down to say hi. Quite violently.

But as I come up to them and get surrounded by ugly black poles with ugly red force fields, I realize that Krfnkrgy is a coward, hiding behind a red force field, and that if I don't get to him first, he will ruin everything. So I make for him, only to be confronted with Vigbppntash, the bitch. Well, Vigbppntash didn't know what she was dealing with, and at the speed that I dispatched her, she probably never will. Anyway, with her out of the way, I make for that pruny old coward of a great step-uncle named Krfnkrgy, and kill him for being such a coward. Of course, Grytblurpbwab and Eccxzsrsrsrsrs don't appreciate me killing him, so they team up on me. However, they are no match for Impy's creepy hair, and soon they all explode into ugly black uglies and form and ugly black-and-blue portal in the ugly black-and-orange sky. I really need to describe these things with other words than "ugly"...

Hmm... what other words are there that mean "ugly"...?

_Get on with it, Hero-Boy, or I'll have Eldin help you with vocabulary when we revive him._

I immediately begin running around looking for Tears of Light.

One is crawling around on a wall, so I ram it, and it gets pissed off, sparking with electricity as it takes flight. After it calms down a bit, I lunge, and so put an end to its pathetic existence. I see a rock, so I climb on it, and Impy beckons for me to jump over the wall where the bug was. I jump and she grabs me, and I look around from up here.

There are several spirits, and I assume they're Gorons. I climb up to another spot and drop into what appears to be a dried-up hot spring, and deal with the Twilit Kargorok and Twilit Vermin _and_ the Dark Insect, all while dodging steaming hot rocks falling from the mountain.

And then suddenly, the Vessel of Light starts glowing, and the world goes blinding white and I realize that that means the light is restored, I will be transported ALL THE FUCKING WAY back to Eldin Spring, and ELDIN IS REVIVED! NOOOOO! I SHOULD HAVE LEFT THIS LAND IN ETERNAL TWILIGHT!!! OH GODDESSES, WHO KNEW DOING GOOD DEEDS WOULD BE SO BAD AND EVIL?!

_Heheh... you're in for it now..._

Oh, THANK YOU, Faron.

Now the blinding white light is fading, and I AM A HYLIAN AGAIN!!!

The Vessel of Light falls into the water, and Impy jumps out of my shadow, reclining in midair.

"Womp aping with them me..." Impy jokes. Then she giggles and jumps away, twirling into nothing.

This heralds the arrival of the Light Spirit. That dreaded shining ball of light rises from the water, and a shape slowly comes into focus. As expected, Eldin is an owl.

"My name is Eldin," Eldin says, in quite short terms. "That is what people call me, what I go by...I am one of the light spirits of Hyrule, one of the shining beasts who guard the provinces from evil. I am the spirit that guards these lands, the lands of Eldin, the the east of Hyrule, home of Kakariko Village and Death Mountain, and--"

_Get on with it, Eldin._

"Very well, Faron, Light Spirit who takes the form of a monkey and guards the southern province of Faron and the forests of Hyrule, weilder of the telepathic power and patron spirit of Farore the Goddess of Courage who created all life...O great hero chosen by the gods whose name is Link who takes the form of a wolf in the realm of twilight and who wears a green TUNIC proudly somehow, the dark power you seek, the Fused Shadows, those powerful artifacts of Twilight, lie in the sacred grounds of the proud mountain dwellers called the Gorons who are partially made of rock, seem to have no female gender among them, and call everyone Brother, and have a rather frightening tendency to give hugs--"

_ELDIN!!!_

"FINE. But already those grounds have been defiled, vandalized, and tainted, draped in shadow, seeded with evil, and fueled with darkness. You must go to those sacred grounds and cleanse them. Remove the veil of darkness and kill the evil seed, returning purity to Death Mountain and the Goron tribe. To do that, you must gain strength beyond what you have no, for as you are you are no match for the heavy-built Gorons of Death Mountain. They love to sumo wrestle, and will doubtlessly run you down in seconds, for you are as flimsy as a stick. I would suggest seeking out the Ordonian by the name of--"

_We don't have time for this! WE NEED TO GO TO DEATH MOUNTAIN!!!_

"This is a piece of valuable advice! But if you would not listen to me, then learn the hard way!"

Sure. As long as it gets me away from this stupid light spirit. Goddesses, all of them give me such headaches.

_What was that?_

Nothing, Faron.

_Hey, Eldin._

_ "_What is it, Faron?"

_Our dear Chosen Hero here was trying to come up with other words for "ugly"._

_ "_Oh, there are plenty of words that have synonymous meanings to the word "ugly", as in many words have the same meaning. For instance, there is unpalatable, gaudy, hideous loud, unsightly, grotesque...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I ever manage to escape Eldin the Walking Talking Flying Thesaurus, I will "cleanse" all of Death Mountain so good even the Gorons' shit will shine.

* * *

A not-so-random place to end, a very random way to end it.

Yes, I do in fact keep track of the names of the Shadow Beasts. It's in a side-file of the folder, reserved for writing down each beast's relation to each other. And I do know that half the stuff said in the chapter made no sense. But that's half the fun!

Until next time, don't let Impy taunt you with bread or Krispy Kreme!


	9. Am I A Delivery Boy Now Or What?

Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ.

Youtube videos used to create this chapter:

OPFFIX The Legend of Zelda Walkthrough Twilight Princess 25, 26, 27, 28, 29

Chunglo's Zelda Twilight Princess 20, 21, 22, 23

This chapter is boooooring. It's basically a filler, thanks to all the crap getting the Iron Boots and saving Colin from the Bulbins and stuff, but I got it aaaallll out of the way in one chapter so we can have FUN the next! Have fun with your filler!

* * *

Random Kakariko Crap

My salvation from Eldin comes not long after I begin beating my head on the ground in agony, for the small voice of a child whispers, "Link?"

Eldin and I turn our heads to see Colin, standing in the doorway of the sanctuary. And I am really, really disappointed that one of the brats saw me, and I am also extremely confused as to why Colin is not spazzing at Eldin, who is a giant Walking Talking Flying Thesaurus Owl of Light and Boredom.

_Only those with courageous hearts can see the Light Spirits of the land. _Faron explains. _Or maybe powerful or wise. But your little friend is none of those, so Eldin is invisible to him._

Okay, that makes sense. Now, before someone more courageous than that coward comes along, you might want to tell Eldin to scram.

_Good point. Eldin, scram._

"WHY DO YOU ALL FUCKING HATE ME?! I swear, when I come back I will teach you so much rhetoric that..." his threat fades with his image. Finally, the Boring Owl is gone.

Oh. Apparently Talo shoved Colin out of the way and he and Beth came tearing out of the house giggling like idiots while Malo the Creepy Manchild just walked along behind them.

Introducing... the Village Brats.

Malo is by far the one I hate most, because he is a Creepy Manchild and also an ass. Talo is next because he is the Creepy Manchild Ass' brother, and also because he is more childish than his younger brother, not to mention an ass as well as Malo, although in a more immature way. I hate Beth because she's some kind of underage stalker fangirl, and when she and Ilia combine their forces, I run and hide in the woods. Colin, however much I hate the baby, is the one I hate the least, because he is not an ass, fangirl, or jerk. He looks up to me, and I like that, because it proves that at least ONE person looks up to my awesometude. Not like Horse Bitch Ilia, who always blames me for giving Epona imaginary injuries, or Impy, who torments me for fun, I think, or Monkey-God Faron, or Freakish Baboon, or Inka and all his relatives, or Bomb Baby, or... well, the list goes on an on.

So now two of the four brats are fawning all over me, and Beth is jumping up and down excitedly. Talo is yelling, "Ha ha! See, Beth, I TOLD you Link would come to save us!"

Liar. That was Colin, however much of a coward he is. Creepy Manchild agrees with me, as he rolls his eyes at his brother as he walks up to me. Speaking of which, the last time I saw Colin was a moment ago, face-down in the dirt. I glance in his direction, but he's all perky and gets up, running over to me. Behind him is that Renado guy, his daughter, and the Bomb Baby. Renado comes up to me and asks, "You are the one form Ordon these children spoke of?"

Yeah. I nod.

"We are well met," he says. "I am Renado, shaman of this town. And this..." he gestures vaguely to his left, and Bomb Baby flips his blast mask up and starts to introduce himself, but Renado continues, "This is my daughter, Luda."

Bomb Baby slumps over and sulks. I'm guessing Renado is still mad at him for the whole terrorizing-the-children thing.

"The beasts took us and left us to die...but Mr. Renado found us," Colin explains, looking up at Renado happily.

Renado looks down at him before turning back to me. "At first, I could not believe they had come from so distant a place as Ordon Province..."

Colin looked down. "Yeah, I... We don't remember much. All of a sudden everyone was captured, and then...until now... it's been like..."

"A nightmare" Malo interrupts.

Colin doesn't mind. "Yeah! It was like a terrible dream and we couldn't wake up."

"Nightmares are everywhere these days, it seems. This village has certainly seen its share of recent hardships..." Renado says. "The dark beasts attacked, but even worse was the sudden and inexplicable change in the mountain-dwelling Goron tribe. They had long been our friends, but suddenly treated us as foes. even now they refuse to permit us entry into their mines. It strains the limits of belief...To think that such a gentle and proud tribe could change so suddenly...It makes me wonder if something in those mines is the cause of this change..."

Probably. Now, can we let me go deal with the change, or will we spend five more hours boring Link to death like Boring Owl?

_Eldin says "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"_

Well, you tell HIM I say to shut the fuck up right back at him!

Everyone is starting to stare at my frown and twitching eye. I think I need to improve holding verbal and telepathic conversations.

Fortunately, Renado passes it off as (fake) concern for the Gorons instead of me getting pissed at Light Spirits yelling at me from within my mind, and says, "In any case, you must take these children and flee before more nightmares descend. I, of course, cannot leave my village at such a time. There is no telling what may happen to us here...But it is my job to coax the Gorons back from their recent change of heart."

OH, NO. You can keep them for all I care, Renado! And a word of advice: if you ever see these brats wandering around in the wilderness again, DON'T help them! I nod and give him a smile.

Crap. The brats are giving me a _look_. A kind of look I don't like. It's the kind of look that says, "Liiiiiiink? Will you pleeeeaaase do something about everything bad so we can be happy?"

I hate you, you stupid brats! How about you do something for yourselves for a change and go solve the Goron problem instead of me?! Ugh...well, I'm the only awesome one here, so if I don't do it, it won't be done right.

_Don't flatter yourself._

I keep my face almost perfectly normal as I reply, SHUT UP.

Anyway, knowing that I'm the only one who's brave enough, strong enough, and AWESOME enough—shut up, Faron— I make my way through the village and up the path leading to Death Mountain.

This time, I get up using the ladder, and I am relieved when there is no Goron at the top. Once up, I take all of three steps forward before I hear, "Ah! No humans allowed!"

DAMN IT!

"These lands ahead belong to the Goron tribe! The elder said no humans may pass! Then he rolls into a ball and...oh shit, he's rolling my way!

Despite me preparing to catch him and slow him down, I still get thrown over the cliff and land on my back.

...OW.

"A weak spirit is no match for the might of the Gorons!" the Goron bellows. "Do you understand me, human? Then away with you!"

Well fuck you, you stupid Goron!

_Hmph_-ing, I turn and storm back down the pass towards Kakariko Village. Renado greets me at the entrance.

"Ah! How fortunate you are in one piece!" he exclaims, clearly relieved. "I saw you heading up the mountain trail, so I was worried."

Hmph. One piece, my throbbing ass. And my throbbing legs, arms, back, neck and head. _You_ try getting hit in the face with a rock and getting thrown two house-stories to the ground. I may be in one piece, but everything inside is broken. Including my pride.

_Awesome, are we?_

SHUT UP, FARON!

_Eldin says to tell you that you were bending your knees too slightly and that you did not center __your weight or brace yourself properly against the ground, and that to gain optimal performance your legs should be bent at right angles, leaning ten degrees forward, with your elbows bent slightly above waist level at twenty-three degrees to reduce impluse, and--_

Tell Eldin to go bend his OWN DAMN KNEES at twenty-three degrees! GODDESSES DAMN IT!

Faron begins laughing in my head at my weak comeback, and Renado has backed up several steps, looking at my red, twitching face with disturbed-ness and wariness. I take a deep breath and immediately fix my face. Renado continues a little more hesitantly. "Are you trying to reach the Gorons of Death Mountain? It is far too dangerous, Link! They recognize only strength! A normal person could never persuade them..."

...IS THAT LONG-HAIRED STICK-FIGURE GIRL OF A MAN INSINUATING THAT I AM _WEAK?!_

_ Yes._

SHUT UP I DON'T NEED YOUR INPUT!!!

Luckily, my face is controlled this time, and I only slightly frowned.

"But...I do know one person who was able to best them and earn their trust...." Renado ponders.

Alright, then, who is this amazing, completely _not_ normal person who is apparently somehow _more_ awesome than me?

"His name is Bo. You may know him as the mayor of your hometown, Ordon."

…

_What._

BO?! AS IN THAT FAT, DO-NOTHING MAYOR IN ORDON, BO?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! GODDESSES, WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!

"Please, go to him. And while you are there, please let him know that the children are safe. Of course, getting them back would be best...but we could not keep them safe from the monsters on the road without a horse and cart...Please, return to Ordon and inform the parents that their children are free from harm. Give them my word."

Wonderful. I have to go back to my dear old backwoods, backwards home village, on an _errand_. This should be a fun time, indeed.

I barely get to the other end of town before the already fun time starts sliding downhill. Off in the distance, with my awesome Hylian hearing, I notice a small noise. It is a regular pounding on the ground, like running, growing steadily closer.

And Epona, my fricking stupid horse, finally decides to show her face after all this time. And to make matters worse, she's rabid. I really don't need this right now...

She keeps running, and running and running...

HOLY CRAP. She almost blew right through me! Holy Din, how stupid can a horse get?! Well, I suppose I should deal with her rabies before she infects everyone in Kakariko and they all start stalking me like ReDeads, so I jump on her back. I resist the urge to smack her, because that will probably agitate her more.

For about three hours, I grapple for control while Epona throws me off on the dirt and sometimes into the springs. But finally, I manage to calm her down. And then Impy shows up to congratulate-annoy me. "Oy, pooping dude fair!" she exclaims. "Poop, I eat you. And cheap bears."

The more I learn about her diet, the more disgusted I become. It's a wonder she hasn't died yet... But, since she indicated the direction of Ordon and Epona, and then made a sign that said, "hurry up!" I'm guessing she wants me to ride Epona to Ordon. That's a good idea Impy. I was already thinking that. Besides, why do more work than I need to?

So, I squeeze Epona's sides to make her go, run through a fence, get a few cuts and bruises from the fence pieces, and begin the route home to Ordon.

* * *

My ride back to Ordon is pretty nice for all of about three seconds. The wind whipping past my face is the only thing I can hear until...

"Mr. LINK!!!!! WAAAAAIIIIIITTTT!!!!"

The Sprinting Stalker sprints up to me, and Epona, oblivious to the danger, does not move as I frantically try to make her run. The Sprinting Stalker jogs up, covered in burns, bruises, and blood from various monsters, which he is again oblivious to, and makes the most surprising announcement in the world.

"Greetings, Mr. Link I have come to deliver a letter."

The news is so shocking I have to squeeze the reins and stirrups just to prevent myself from falling off Epona.

"It is a letter from Ooccoo," he says.

Now really and completely shocked, My grip loosens and I tumble off to the left, landing face-first in the dirt path. How the _hell_ did _Ooccoo_ write a letter, and more importantly, how the _fuck_ did she get it delivered to the Sprinting Stalker?! She must be the Evil Flying Stalker! Who knows if she's watching me _EVEN NOW?!_ The Sprinting Stalker is holding out the letter to me while I spaz, rave, and scan the skies nervously. "Well, my business is concluded! Onward to mail!" The Sprinting Stalker sprints away.

I hold the letter with a shaking hand. I'm almost too afraid to open it.

_Get on with it, Mr. Courage._

Faron, I really, really _really_ don't need your input right now.

_Just open it! Or I'll call Eldin!_

I can't decide which is worse: Ooccoo or Eldin. I eventually decide that as much as I don't want to open the letter, I _really_ don't want to have Eldin start talking forever to get me to open the letter and then have to deal with _both_ psychotic birds. So I tentatively open the letter.

...

_"It's about fucking time you opened this! If you ever wait to open a letter from me again, I will send one of my...'associates' to...'deal' with you..."_

Um, holy shit.

_ "Dear Adventurer, I was so happy to meet you and spend a bit of time with you!_

_ I am planning a trip to a new location, just so you know._

_ If you continue your journeys, we might see each other again!_

_ So take care of yourself...._OR ELSE.

_P.S: I didn't properly introduce you to my son. I'll introduce you WHEN we meet again! He's a good boy who can help you like an item, so be nice! _

_ From Ooccoo."_

_ ..._

Alright, I think I'm going to stay in Ordon once I get there and never ever leave again, even if Horse Bitch Ilia and the Village Brats manage to come back and annoy the shit out of me again.

_Oh no you won't. You are doing your quest._

Says who, Faron?

_Says me. And says ELDIN. And LANAYRU. And ORDONA. And the GODDESSES._

Fine, fine, I concede to higher powers...

So without wasting any more time, I keep going, traveling across Hyrule Field for the better part of the day before finally reentering Zit-Poo Woods and slowing Epona to a trot as we walk through the forest path and across the bridge to Ordon.

* * *

I pass my house, and lead Epona into the village.

Ah, home sweet home. How I hate this place.

"LINK?!"

Mayor Bo is gaping at me from outside his house, looking as if I've grown three new heads in the shape of Diababa, sprouted a Creepy-Evil-Chicken-Thing Ooccoo out one of my shoulders, and acquired an inflamed Freakish Baboon monkey butt.

Hi, Bo.

"Whoa, it IS you, Link! You're safe and sound!"

Yeah, if being transformed into a wolf, tormented by Impy, forced to free the land from Twilight and defeating gigantic monsters while putting up with Light Spirits in your head is "safe and sound", then sure...

"Your clothes...what happened to you, lad?"

Ah, that's an easy question to answer. You see, Bo, after I was transformed into a wolf and stole the sword and shield and saved the Zit-Poo Woods from Twilight, I was restored to my human form in the Faron Spring where the telepathic annoying Monkey-god Light Spirit Faron told me that I am a descendant of Hyrule's hero and that I'm wearing the Hero's clothes. Isn't that nice? I'm wearing a deceased hero's dusty green man-dress.

_TUNIC._

Whatever, Faron.

Apparently Eldin made a comment that wasn't so helpful, because Faron starts yelling at the other Light Spirit in my head, and since I can only hear one side of the conversation, I can tell that Eldin was very long-winded and Faron was so ticked off with us calling his precious tunic a man-dress that he had ceased to be coherent and settled for yelling at the top of his telepathic lungs. All the while this is happening, Mayor Bo keeps on talking and leading me into his house, ignorant of my inner plight, and I do my best not to make any weird faces or slap myself and yell at them to shut up.

When we get inside his house, I explain to him that Renado told me to tell him that the kids are all safe in Kakariko and Renado can watch after them for as long as is needed. His eyes light up at the news. "I see... So the young'uns are in Kakariko Village! Well, that's good... Renado's an old friend. If they're in his care, then we can relax. So... Don't keep me waitin', lad! Tell me of my little girl! Ilia's with the rest of them, right?"

In a short and clipped a tone as possible I tell him Ilia was nowhere to be found, making sure to make it appear as if I am concerned distraught, and falling apart at the seams at her disappearance. To add to this act, and to make sure my face doesn't give me away, I turn away from Bo.

"...Oh! I see...That ain't what I wanted to hear..."

Well, nothing you can do about it, Mayor Bloated, so don't blame it on me.

"Ahh...But Link..."

I said DON'T blame it on me! Please don't crush me under your enormous weight!

"I guess I need to think of all five of those poor kids, not just my own...they're all in danger. What I should be askin' is how I can help out..."

Well, you see, I have this problem... this rocky, overly proud, Goron-sized problem...that I KNOW you can help me solve, because Renado said so...

"What's that now? The Gorons of Death Mountain? I see...so Renado told you that...Well, it's true, I did defeat the Gorons in a contest of strength and earned their trust...with the help of a little secret. I CAN teach you the secret, but can you promise me that you absolutely, positively will NOT disclose it to anyone.

Yup. I nod. I hope he didn't notice my fingers crossing...

"Good. All right, then, absolutely no one. Come this way," he says, leading me to a back room I've never been in.

It's a huge room. You would never think so from the outside of his house, but the huge stone platform in the middle of the room has a lot of empty space surrounding it, and a couple torches. I wonder what it is.

"Link, you've heard of sumo wrestling, right? Gorons like to match strength in sumo contests. Luckily for you, the basics of sumo wrestling are the same as stoppin' chargin' goats...

Say no more, Bloated, I got this down.

So he sets up the sumo ring, and gets right down to training me how to sumo wrestle.

Mayor Bloated stand on one side in what can barely count as underwear, and I think I can hear Faron, Eldin, _and_ Impy laughing at me as Bloated lifts his enormous weight and stomps on one foot with a crash.

I stand on the other side, feeling very exposed without my shirt, and attempt to mimic Bloated's foot-stomp. It's pathetic. The two voices in my head and the one in my shadow abruptly start laughing so hard I hope their lungs might burst.

It doesn't take long for me to smack and puch Bloated out of the ring, but....I had to _touch_ him...I will never recover from that...

Bloated is oblivious to my scarred condition and congratulates me after getting off the floor. "Hmph! You seem to understand the basics. All righty, next time I won't go so easy on you, lad! fight me as if you were fighting one of the Gorons!"

..._Next time?!_

Goddesses, why?!

* * *

After way too much sumo wrestling to be healthy for my mental state, Bloated thinks we've had enough sumo wrestling and leads me back to the front room.

"You've gotten a sight stronger in the time you've been gone, Link...Strong as you are, though, you can't hope to beat the Gorons wrestlin' with power alone. Those Gorons are made of rock! Naw, the secret to beating the Gorons...is locked away in that chest," he says, pointing behind him to a blue chest I hadn't noticed before. "Take it with you, lad."

So I go over, and after much unnecessary to-do, I finally find...

_**You got the Iron Boots! Wear these and you'll become so heavy, not even a Goron will be able to move you!**_

Sweeeet.

"You can probably tell, those boots are made of iron, lad," Bo says.

No shit, Captain Obvious. Did you not just hear the imaginary VOICE?

"Whoever wears 'em won't easily be pushed around...even by a Goron."

Again, no shit.

"If you're fixin' to fight a Goron, be sure to wear those boots. ...Let's be square, though, lad: you can't ever tell ANYONE about those boots! 'Specially Renado!"

Alright, tell Renado it is. Thanks Bloated. Goodbye and good riddance.

With that horrible task out of the way, I decide to not tell the parents that their kids are safe, since that will mean another hour of dealing with imbeciles. Instead, I walk back to my house, climb onto Epona, and head out.

* * *

But just as I'm about to leave Ordon, I remember that the Skeleton-Man was waiting for me in the Ordon Spring, so I go to see what HIDDEN FRICKING SKILL he will bestow upon me this time. He's waiting for me by the now boarded-up "secret" entrance to Ordon Spring and when he sees me, he crouches, growling. I draw my sword again, but before I can do anything, he's lunged at me, and the world's all white again.

We're in Skeleton-Man's white netherworld again, and the golden wolf howls and becomes Skeleton-Man.

"We meet again," he says. "You have a little more the look of a hero that you did before...Do you feel ready to earn your next skill?"

Oh hell yeah.

"Very well...But before we begin, I must test you to ensure you have mastered the last skill I taught you... the Ending Blow. Now then, come at me!" He raises his goliath of a sword and gets into a ready stance, but lets me slash at him and perform my HIDDEN FRICKING SKILL. Then, after I jump off him and he stands up, he nods in approval. "Excellent. It appears you are certainly capable of performing my lost art. Very well. My second skill is... the Shield Attack! Let it be hewn into your mind!"

The _shield attack?_ Really? Aren't shields you know...for shielding? Ah, whatever... I'll learn it anyway, since it's a HIDDEN FRICKING SKILL!

Skeleton-Man begins his explanation of the attack. "No matter how well-tempered a blade is, if a foe is clad in armor and bears a shield, the sword will do it no harm. When facing such a foe, you must target them and thrust your shield forward against the defenses of your enemy. Target me, then try it! You have learned much, so I am sure you will know the moment you can do a Shield Attack!"

After crossing our blades, he crouches and raises his sword again, and I play the waiting game. As he inches towards me, I suddenly lunge with my shield and follow up with a jump and a vertical slash trough the air. Skeleton-Man gets knocked off balance, and when he gets back into a stable position again, he nods in approval. "Excellent! Open a hole in your enemy's defenses and use your sword to strike without hesitation! The shield attack I have just taught you can also be used to repel an enemy's projectile attacks. Would you practice? Then repel my magical attack with your shield attack!"

Then he sends a rather slow orange ball of energy at me, and I use my Shield Attack on him. He gets hit, but immediately recovers and nods again. "Perfect! When your enemies assail you with projectiles, this is how you will defeat them with ease! Done! You have learned the second of my hidden skills, the Sheild Attack!"

Yay! He stopped talking! I demonstrate one last time and do my awesome annoying sword-twirly-thing. I now have not one, but two, HIDDEN FRICKING SKILLS!!!

"But I have five more secrets to teach you...in time," Skeleton-Man finishes cryptically. "The path to becoming the true hero is a long one, but once you have grasped all of the hidden skills, you shall be worthy of walking it. You must persist on the lonely path of the sword to obtain true courage and earn the strength to conquer the great evils of the world! Do not forget your discipline with the blade before we meet again!

Now he _really_ finishes talking, and disappears as the world goes white again.

* * *

I really need to find out why Skeleton-Man is so hung up on having the world go white _all the frigging time._

Oh, well. No time to worry about that now. I walk back over to Epona and climb on, and steer her out of the Ordon Spring and back onto the road. Time to go back to Kakariko Village...

Thankfully, the rides through both Faron Woods and Hyrule Field are pretty uneventful. I got a bottle full of oil from Coro the Coward before I headed out, and I crushed most of the monsters I came across with Epona.

But about halfway through Kakariko Gorge, I saw a battalion of Bulbins on Bulbos charging for Kakariko Village. And I'd be damned if I had to find those stupid helpless brats _all over again_.

So I put on my best scary face and followed them. However, when I got there, the biggest, ugliest Bulbin of the lot was holding up an unconscious Colin (stupid Colin...), and urged his ugly blue Bulbo forward.

I hate everyone right now. And since I'm not allowed to kill any of the brats, it looks like this King Bulbin douchebag is going down.

I force Epona to sprint out onto Hyrule Field, and King Bulbin is waiting for us once we're there. He somehow managed to tie Colin to the very top of his spear, and then he took out a horn and blew into it, making a very loud, ugly sound.

I really need other words for ugly...

_Eldin suggests "cacophonous" _

Tell Eldin I suggest he shuts up.

_Eldin says that unless you want to hear him directly while you fight off these idiot Bulbins you'd better call the noise that horn made cacophonous._

Hold on, he can directly use telepathy?

_I can project his thought-voice through my telepathy for a little while._

You choose NOW of all times to tell me this?!

_Just fight the fucking Bulbins!_

Did I mention that during this internal conversation, Several Bulbos had charged from near the Twilight Curtain and were currently trying to main me terribly while King Bulbin was trying to get away, and that now I had to knock all the annoying distractions off their Bulbos while forcing Epona to keep up with King Bulbin so I could slash at him too? I forgot? Oh, well now you know.

Not to mention, Epona can't ever move FUCKING FAST ENOUGH to reach King Bulbin, so she keeps putting on these bursts of speed and then slowing down right as his minions catch up. So then I attack them. After a while it kills them and sends their Bulbos hurtling over the cliff, but it's so annoying, too, and I can't imagine how tired Epona's going to be after all this. Oh, well, serves her right for not moving fast enough...

The fight takes the better part of the day, and takes us over the field and towards a huge bridge, It's about there at sunset where I finally hack King Bulbin's armor off. He slumps backwards on Lord Bulbo, and sits up again as he reaches the bridge, me fast behind him. However, me jumping over the wooden barriers after him turned out to be not such a good idea, because the moment I get over the barrier, a Bulbin archer fires a fire arrow at the barrier, preventing me from going back.

Well, shit.

At the other end of the bridge, another barrier is burning behind King Bulbin, and Lord Bulbo is pawing at the stone, preparing to charge.

...Apparently they're into jousting.

Suddenly, Lord Bulbo starts snorting, rears his head, and charges rather fast for a huge fat blue boar with stubby legs. So Epona rears and charges him. I suppose I'll have to slash away at King Bulbin again, but do they have _any _idea how dangerous this is? Jousting on a narrow stone bridge with no railings or walls or anything over a Goddesses-know-how tall drop into whatever's at the bottom? Idiots.

So, for being such idiots, I whale King Bulbin in all of two runs. The second time I hit him, I manage to swipe under King Bulbin and send him hurtling into what looks like a gorge, amazingly not sending Colin with him. Shame. I guess you can't always win...

But that's not important right now, because the sun is setting, there's an amazing background behind me, and Link senses a HERO SCENE MOMENT!!!

I send Epona to the center of the bridge, and she rears magnificently while I raise my sword above my head with the Twilight behind us.

Okay, people. Enough of that. Show's over; go home.

* * *

Colin wakes up back in Kakariko about an hour later. "Link..." he mutters, "Is everyone...OK?"

I nod, smiling. Unfortunately, yes.

Then he notices Talo and Beth crowding around him as well. He doesn't see Luda or Malo or Renado, but he was more worried about Beth. "..Good..." he mutters, smiling, taking a mental head count. "Beth...I'm sorry. You know... for shoving you. Are you mad?

Jeez, she better damn well not be after he threw himself in front of an ugly giant blue Bulbo just to save her. Heck, if it'd been me I would've snapped photos and cheered for King Bulbin.

Beth shakes her head violently.

Colin turns to me. "I...I think I finally understand. I understand what my dad meant when he told me I needed to be stronger, like you, Link..." He raises his hand. "He wasn't talking about strength, like lifting stuff. He was talking about being brave..." He closes his fist with a really funny look of childish determination on his face before letting his fist drop. "Link...you saved me, didn't you?"

Yup. I have an image to maintain, after all...

"You...you can do anything..."

Because I'm _awesome_. Keep going, Colin.

"You can do something to help the Gorons in the mine, too, can't you, Link?"

Oh, why does _everything_ have to go back to the Goddess-damn Gorons?!

But after getting my affirmation, he randomly passes out and gives everyone a shock. Talo tries to lift him up, but he's too small and it's really funny to watch him struggle and fail until Renado walks over and carries Colin to the Elde Inn to rest. They leave without another word.

With a determined look of my own, I turn and face the mountain before me. It's time to face the Gorons.

* * *

Yeah, in case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm semi-bashing all the characters, since Link's sarcastic and hates everyone.

_Cacophonous_: dissonant, strident, grating, raucous; having a harsh or discorded sound. _Antonym_: euphonous: having a pleasing sound. Example: Koji Kondo's works for Legend of Zelda are _euphonous_. Me attempting to recreate them with no instrumental experience using a one-man band set would be _cacophonous_.

So, despite the fact that Impy only said one or two lines, what do you think? Chapter 10 to be up soon, hopefully.


	10. May Lightning Strike Them All!

Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ

We have reached the ten-chapter mark of "Why You Should Never Travel With Foreigners!" Yay! Unfortunately, Impy is not cooperating with me and refuses to say anything of interest, so boo her until she finally says something! So this chapter consists of one Impy-line, a bunch of Link's hate and parody elements, and Ordon goat cheese. Have fun!

Videos used: OPPFIX's The Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess Walkthrough 29, 30, 31, 32; Chunglo's Zelda Twilight Princess 24

* * *

First things first. I walk into Eldin's Spirit Spring to heal myself after the battle with King Bulbin, pointedly ignoring Eldin hovering above me going on and on about proper hygiene and keeping my health up and something called Fairy's Tears, whatever those are. They probably don't do much...

So when I actually start heading up the mountain, I notice Talo standing outside a shop looking curiously at it. As I walk up, he turns to talk to me.

"I can't believe Colin..." he says, slightly awed. "I mean, that was a really brave thing for him to do, huh? Especially since he's such a weakling!"

Stop talking, you little ass. He was always better than you even when he was a baby.

"Um...he is going to be all right...right?"

Sure, whatever...

"And Malo!" Talo says, outraged, turning to face the boarded-up shop again, "He hasn't even come by to say 'Get well soon!' What's he thinking? He said he was gonna 'get started' and he hasn't come out of that closed-up shop since! Link, could you talk some sense into that kid?"

I nod, happily for once. I've long suspected Malo ran some sort of underground market or drug ring...he's too clever. And now, I am finally going to bust Creepy Manchild and get him arrested and never have to see his creepy manchild face ever again. So without knocking, I barge right in.

There's no seedy merchants, dim lights, or suspicious-looking crates in this place. Just Creepy Manchild's head barely visible behind a counter, and two different shields and a red jar.

Creepy Manchild looks up at me with a very freaky squinting look. "Hey...You can look at stuff, but don't you DARE just take things...That's MY valuable merchandise. You want it, you pay for it," he mutters. "I decided to take on this unmanned shop...Buy something...it helps the whole village if you do..."

He probably keeps it in his private purse. I am about to turn around and leave, but something catches my eye.

Something shiny. Something colorful. Something fire-proof.

_**Hylian Shield: 200 Rupees. LIMITED SUPPLY! Don't let them sell out before you buy one!**_

Must...have...pretty...shield...

_…"Pretty"?_

I said awesome fire-proof shield, Faron.

_No, I'm sure you said "Pretty". Eldin suggests more descriptive terms, such as dainty, elegant, beautiful, comely, charming, fine, delicate, tasteful, graceful, handsome, and pulchritudinous. _

…...I think I'll stick with "awesome fire-proof shield". What in the hell is "pulchritudinous"...

I point to the Hylian Shield and Creepy Manchild says, "A Hylian Shield will cost you 200 Rupees. Want one or not?"

Luckily, I have exactly 200 Rupees on hand, and I gladly throw the contents of my wallet at Malo. I mean.."to"... Malo.

"I see..." Malo mutters darkly, rubbing his head where a Red Rupee hit him, "I SUPPOSE... I can part with it..." But without further protest, he hands over the Shield.

_**You got the Hylian Shield! It's made of metal and will never burn!**_

Perfect.

I leave, ignoring Malo's noble speech about making heroic business deals with people, and go on my way, replacing my weak Ordon Shield with the better Hylian one. Then I walk through town and head up the path to Death Mountain.

* * *

The Goron I met before acts really cocky when I come back, but I put on my iron boots and toss him over the mini-cliff. I keep walking and do this with all the rest of the Gorons that come rolling down.

After about five million more annoying Gorons and even a swarm of annoying Bulbins firing annoying fire arrows at me from the annoying cliffs, I reach the Goron's city-thing again. Two Gorons near the top of the tower see me, and one shoots the other up to the doorway by rolling up and springing. I might try that later...

Actually, I might have to try it now. I'm no wolf anymore, so Impy can't help me. Goron-spring is the only way to go.

So without further ado, I jump down in plain sight, only to almost get crushed by falling rocks. A huge steaming hot one almost burns me, but it misses and lands in the ground, steaming. Impy jumps out of my shadow and stares at the rock as if it's the most amazing thing to happen since Ordon goat cheese.

"Oop! Pee to there..." she says in wary awe. "This to beat bros! Toot easy!" she giggles, before diving back in my shadow.

Whatever, Impy.

I continue my very painful way up the mountain, beating up Gorons and getting sprung up into the sky by them, also getting knocked around a couple of times by Gorons punching me or rolling into me. Which hurts, since they are solid rock. I also have to deal with those geysers now and again, because some erupt annoyingly every time I come close, as if they can see me and have no other purpose but to spite my progress towards getting rid of Impy. After a couple of hours of pain, pain, and more pain, I have developed a hatred for all things stone. But at least I reached the top of the mountain, where I can hopefully find a Goron without a rock for a brain.

But when I get inside the room, six or seven Gorons all roll up and prepare to charge me.

Fuck.

"ENOUGH!"

The Gorons stop rolling and stare at an older, shorter Goron who steps out from between two guards at the back of the room. "Is this young one such an imposing enemy that you must all gang up on him? I think not, Little Brothers," he says sternly.

The Gorons walk over to him, and so do I, feeling very intimidated by the rocks as I do.

"I am a Goron elder, little human," the older Goron says. "I am called Gor Coron. Because of certain...circumstances, I must lead the Goron tribe in place of Darbus, our tribal patriarch. Tell me, little human, do you come from the village below?"

Um... I guess I could say yes... but I'm from Ordon Village...but I came from Kakariko.

_Just pick a town and answer._

Shut up, Faron.

_Well, are you going to say you're from the bottom of a lake, or what?_

No. But I need to pick an answer that won't make him mad.

_You're a human. He'll be mad either way._

That's Hylian to you. And was that an insult?

_Maybe..._

You stupid Light Spirit!

Gor Coron backs up a couple of steps, and I notice that I have a twitching eyelid. So I just nod.

"You...have done well...to come this far," Gor Coron says, still wary of my "mood swings". If only he knew... "You are strong...for a human..."

HEY! What is up with everyone insulting me today?

_Truth hurts, doesn't it?_

SHUT UP, FARON! Nobody asked you!

"However..." Gor Coron says, making it a point of ignoring my facial expressions. "The mines beyond here are sacred to my tribe. Outsiders are not allowed," he says firmly, crossing his arms. "Unless..."

… 'Unless'? Unless what? Well, whatever it is, I'll gladly do it if it means the Light Spirits in my head will GO AWAY, and the imp inhabiting my shadow will make everything right, so I can go back to Ordon and continue hating everyone in my life in peace.

Gor Coron seems pleased with my strength of will, because he smiles. "I could make an exception...but you would have to beat me in a contest of power. Are you willing to try that, little human?"

One, yes. Two, don't call me little, or a human. Three, you don't know the lengths people will go to when they're desperate.

Ah, well. At least Gor Coron won't be as disturbing to sumo wrestle as Mayor Bloated.

* * *

We both step onto the sumo ring in the middle of the room. Gor Coron makes an impressive stomp with his foot, and I...don't.

The match lasts one second. He smacks me out of the ring.

Gor Coron looks nonplussed as I stand back up. "Your body is skinny, Brother, and so you are too light. You do not stand a chance. Try again later, Brother..." he says, before turning to the other Gorons and conversing with them.

Damn it. I forgot to put on the Iron Boots!

_Idiot._

I am not an idiot!

_You had ten minutes to put them on before the match. Goddesses only know why such an idiot is the hero._

Farore only knows why such an obnoxious monkey-thing is a Light Spirit.

_...That made no sense whatsoever._

Damn it. Why can't I ever win?

Well, nobody's looking, so I slip on the Iron Boots and try to inconspicuously walk up to my place on the sumo ring. Gor Coron turns and says, ""Eh? What is it? Do you want to try again, little human?"

Yes. Now stop calling me 'little human'.

"You think you are tough, do you? Well, let us find out..."

Another Goron referees our match. The moment he says, "Go!" I duck, anticipating Gor Coron's punch. I immediately lunge at his unprotected stomach and begin shoving him towards the edge of the ring while fighting to keep my arms on his sides. He finally throws them off, and I dodge to the side as he tries to grab me and knock him out of the ring from the right.

Gor Coron grunts as he hits the ground, but quickly gets back up, saying, "Young warrior... you have a strong will...and sharp eyes."

HEY! I won that through SHEER STRENGTH!

_And a few dozen pounds of iron..._

You, shut up.

"Fine traits... want to see how well you can use them?"

Sounds sketchy to me. I'm all for it.

"You have seen it, I would bet...The mountain erupting without pause..."

Almost got crushed by it, too.

"When the mountain began to rage, all four of us elders and Darbus, our patriarch, went inside to investigate its anger. We have a treasure that was entrusted to us by the spirits, and we must protect it. Do you understand?"

_The Fused Shadow Eldin gave to the Gorons!_

Yeah, I figured that out on my own.

"But the moment Darbus reached out and touched the treasure...everything went wrong. He collapsed...and before our very eyes transformed into an unspeakable monster! He began to rage through the mines, trailing ruin behind him...and the eruptions grew more frequent and more severe. We used all our strength to seal him deep inside the mountain... It...grieved us to do this to our patriarch...but we had no other course of action."

I smell a conspiracy!

_Shut up and listen._

"I ask this favor of you, young warrior...Go to the aid of Darbus! Make no mistake, the spirits have guided you here."

I already knew that. Unfortunately.

"I, Gor Coron, need your help...On behalf of my entire clan, I ask for your aid! You two!" he calls the the guards, "Let the young warrior pass!"

The guards scoot to the sides of the entrance silently.

"The mines are full of traps, all placed to protect the treasure from thieves," Gor Coron warns. "And worse than traps...Since the eruptions began, foul creatures of all shapes have settled into every corner of the mines. Getting to the patriarch's location will not be easy. I would prepare your blade, young warrior."

Thanks for the heads up. Now, to deal with the Goron Mines, and be one step closer to freedom!

* * *

*Cries* Noooo! It was another filler! Stupid Impy! SAY FUNNY STUFF DAMMIT! YOU'RE BORING THE AUDIENCE!


End file.
